Major League (1989) R

The new former-showgirl owner of the Cleveland Indians wants to move the team to Miami, but has a contract with the city that states she can't break it until attendance drops below a certain level, so she puts together a team of has-beens and misfits she thinks is sure to lose.  They set out to show her they've got what it takes to win.

Following our sports theme this week, this is a cast of steady stars and then up-and-comers, much like the baseball lineup they portray.  Corbin Bernsen, Renee Russo, and Tom Berenger who were all steadily working names in that era contrasted by Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes, both of whom went on to steady careers (and troubles) later, but who were just getting started then.

It is said that this film captures the essence of the interior workings of America's pastime in a solid comedy, and while I can agree with that, I also feel it flags in the third act.  Maybe because I know how it ends, by the final game scenes I just couldn't muster up the excitement of "will they or won't they win?"

As a background for makers, this is a solid choice.  You might miss some amusing facial expressions and good-luck gestures, but it's largely follow-able without needing to study the screen every second.  If you can craft to a regular baseball game and know the score, you'll do just fine with this film.

However, as a film itself I give it only three stars.  I found the romance between Russo and Berenger lukewarm at best, and didn't really feel it added to the film at all except as padding.  The rest was macho posturing and a glimpse at the effects of sudden fame, when I would have rather watched them on the field.  What can I say?  I like baseball.  If I want to see girls throwing themselves at guys in a bar, I've got three within walking distance.

But there are many solid laugh out loud moments, and the athleticism is fun to watch.  Enough to make this an excellent choice to add to your sports collection at this price point.

xXx (2002) PG-13

An extreme athlete with a bad habit of punishing senators by stealing their cars and jumping them off bridges gets shanghaied into infiltrating a Czech anarchist group bent on demolishing the world's governments with bio-weapons.

This movie is what the James Bond franchise would be if he started out as a disrespectful tattooed thug.  Um, wait...

The first time I saw this movie back in 2005 I wasn't terribly impressed.  The humor was a little weak, the villains just a bit too stereotypical, and it really wasn't apparent what a threat this group was until very late into the picture.  It's grown on me, however, since the introduction of Daniel Craig's version of Bond.  There's a definite feel to this film, and you get the sense that we were making a bid for our own American Bond knock-off.  It was just a touch too early, and promoted poorly.

In any event, as a background movie for makers, it rocks if you like action pictures.  We have gadgets, explosions, Samuel L. Jackson, and classic cars.  Not a lot of exposition, and a smidge of romance added in, although I could do without the skanky stripper chicks, and prefer the angry Czech intelligence woman who looks like she could have been an extra vampire in Blade.

Two generic laugh out loud moments (probably when someone was being extra snarky) and one holy crap moment when someone dies a surprisingly sudden death.  Three and a half stars, and that's after I warmed up to it.  This originally came out when we were just getting to know Vin Diesel, and I don't think he'd really gotten the acting thing down just yet.  His love for pictures involving American muscle cars is very evident, though, and you can just see the glimmer of what's to come.

It's on Netflix for a short time longer, otherwise you can add the disc to your action collection at a very reasonable price point.

Point Break (2015) PG-13

A pro dirt-bike daredevil quits the circuit after the death of his riding partner and joins the FBI just in time to catch a batch of eco-terrorist criminals who rob and pillage American companies around the globe.

They kept all the character names, and tried to preserve the adrenaline junkie spirit of the original film (and the scene where Utah shoots his gun in the air in frustration.  Why?  Who knows?) but in the end this film left me feeling flat and uninterested most of the time.  Maybe it's because the actors are younger, but I had a hard time telling most of Bohdi's crew apart.  They kept all the nicknames... Roach, Grommet, Chowder... but all played by Venezualans.  What?

Pappas was reduced from Gary Busey's amusing sidekick role in the original to a mere prop with a french accent in this remake, which I found annoying.  Utah's floppy hair and extreme ink made me struggle to take him seriously as an agent in law enforcement, and the only highlights for me really were some of the gorgeous scenery and the appearance of Teresa Palmer who I recently enjoyed in Warm Bodies.

As a crafter's movie, however, this was pretty good.  I found my knitting energized during the extreme sports sequences, although the chase and gunplay scenes tended to make me pause.  Try to do your crafting without looking at your hands, or you'll miss some amazing vistas.  As a film I give this about three stars.  Not terrible, but definitely not the best... and certainly no replacement for the original.  But if you enjoy sports films or extreme sports in general, this is not a bad thing to have running in the background while you make something.

Point Break (1991) R

An up and coming FBI hotshot is tasked with infiltrating a bank robbery crew comprised of surfers, and he gets a lot more than he bargained for.

A baby-faced Keanu Reeves (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, John Wick) and hirsute Patrick Swayze (Dirty Dancing) star in this undercover action flick that seems to have been written for adrenaline junkies. You've got your stereo-typical screaming cop-boss, the aging partner (Gary Busey) who does things the old way and is close to retirement, and the pair of agents who share your stakeout that hate your guts.  Throw in the 80's/90's near-seeming requirement to flash boobs for an R rating, and it's your classic cop movie from my era.  Pair it up with Eddie Murphy's Beverly Hills Cop and Richard Dreyfuss' Stakeout and you've got a classic triple feature.

For makers this is an okay film, as there are stretches of dialogue and research that don't need your eyes to be enjoyed, but you will drop your needles for the skydiving and car chase scenes.  Possibly also the surfing, as the water is beautiful.

One eye roll when Reeves is earnestly trying to win over Lori Petty and a laugh out loud moment when he tells his boss he takes the skin off chicken.  Four and a half stars, but that may be nostalgia talking.  When this movie was new in theaters and dinosaurs roamed the earth I always felt it was written for adrenaline junkie thrill seekers and not meant to be enjoyed by a larger audience.  I've warmed to it in recent years.

Fantastic if you want to craft to something that reminds you of your glory days, or want some pretty scenery to look at.

Paycheck (2003) PG-13

What would you do to see the future?  And what would you do to change or protect it?

A reverse-engineering expert routinely takes jobs and his memory is erased afterward... the ultimate non-disclosure guarantee... but on his latest job, instead of a paycheck, he received an envelope of mysterious everyday items.  Now he has to use these items to figure out why people are trying to kill him.

Perhaps it's inevitable that I will continually compare and contrast Ben Affleck and Matt Damon... no matter how hard they try they will be forever linked in the memories of those of us old enough to remember "Good Will Hunting" and the Oscars.  Unfortunately in such a comparison, Affleck continually comes off as smug, smarmy, and arrogant, in contrast to Damon's sincere earnestness, and this film is no exception.  Pair that with Uma Thurman being constantly pushed into our face as some kind of epitome of beauty, and this should be a movie I cannot stand.

The concept, however, manages to overcome all that... mostly.

A laugh out loud moment with Affleck's crossed fingers, and an eye roll moment at the question mark, but otherwise this is a straight-up mystery action flick with a futuristic twist.  This is a great film for makers provided you don't get distracted too often by hand to hand combat and gun play.

Four out of five stars... those smug faces at the cocktail party are just enough to ruin it for me, but enjoyable as background filler if you're into tech or second chances.

Iliza: Confirmed Kills (2016) TV-MA

Iliza Shlesinger's standup Chicago special about millennials, grandpa's war stories, feminism, and the stupidity of a grown adult wanting to be a mermaid.

If feminism pisses you off, don't watch this unless you like getting pissed off.  I found her show to be a wonderful mixture of humor, TED talk, and Shark Tank review.  Liberally peppered with hashtags.  Hilarious hashtags.

So tell your party goblin to go read her Teen Beat, this is fantastic for crafting to, although you might drop your needles once or twice while laughing too hard.  Ten counted laugh out loud moments, and one was a hearty belly laugh that lasted a good ten or fifteen seconds.

Four and a half stars.  Since I don't watch Shark Tank, the last bit was over my head, but she's a terrific actress who flows in and out of her characters well.  Fire this up on Netflix if you have an hour to knit and laugh.

Trading Places (1983) R

A managing stock broker and street-hustling con-man end up trading lives on a bet set up by two rich men.  Dan Ackroyd, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Lee Curtis

If this wasn't already filmed in the '80s, it would be the perfect farcical representation of the decade, right down to the framed picture of Reagan on the Dukes' desk and Curtis' chunky geometric earrings.  By all means, go topless to go to bed, but never, ever remove the earrings.  It's not like they're uncomfortable or anything.

You will either love, or hate, this movie.  You will either love the screwball comedy, or get angry at the machinations of two rich, bored, old white guys.  It is, however, completely chock-full of funny moments, and featured a lot of talent that went on to become famous in their own right.

Younger viewers who missed the '80s may be shocked at Eddie Murphy's then less squeaky clean performance, and it does show how much he cleaned up his act after becoming a parent. 

Eight laugh out loud moments, but a stretch of boredom in the middle where it sags.  An eyeroll at the fate of Clarence Beeks (Paul Gleason, The Breakfast Club) and another at the typical antics of Jim Belushi.  Does he ever not play a drunken frat boy?

As a movie for makers, this is excellent, as you can concentrate on your work during that sluggish middle act, and the only sight gags come near the end (although Ackroyd eating salmon through his Santa beard on the train is an indicator of how far he's fallen by that point).  Four stars (the relentless topless-ness was unnecessary and probably to secure their R rating, which was considered a financial money-recouping requirement during that era).  Put this on when you're in the mood for funny, but don't want to have to concentrate every minute.

X-Men: Apocalypse (2016) PG-13

When the first mutant is awoken from his stone prison deep beneath a pyramid in Cairo, the X-men fight to stop him from cleansing the earth of its human inhabitants.

As a fan of the Marvel universe, I enjoyed this film immensely.  Was it perfect?  No.  Was it as bad as other critics have made it out to be?  No.  It's a difficult job to balance a huge arch-villain, four or five core heroes, four or five villains (some of whom switch sides later on) and make them all engaging and at the very least, people you can empathize with and understand.  I feel they accomplished this with very few errors.

As a crafter's movie, it depends on what distracts you.  I am constantly mesmerized by the battle scenes, especially Quicksilver's sequences, and I am constantly missing tiny, humorous bits that happen when I briefly look down.  Ultimately, if you're like me, save the knitting until your second or subsequent watch-throughs so you can catch all the moments the first time.

Four out of five stars.  While I enjoyed the film a lot, especially some more back story on Jean, Scott, and Logan's relationships, plus Erik's history, this movie just wasn't as deeply satisfying to me overall as some in the past.  I couldn't take the villain seriously, since he was mostly just manipulating others.  We knew he couldn't ultimately defeat Charles in an intellectual battle of wills, not with all of his friends around, and so I never really felt the danger.

By all means add this to your X-men collection, but maybe wait for the price point to fall down a bit before you bite.

TV Review - Timeless - Season 1: Pilot

 

 

A history professor (Abigail Spencer), a Special Forces soldier (Matt Lanter), and a computer programmer (Malcolm Barrett) travel back in time to stop a terrorist from changing life as we know it.

A new time-travel series from producers Eric Kripke (Supernatural) and Shawn Ryan (The Shield) attempts to explore American history and the events that shaped our country.  It's not as technologically deep as Continnuum, but it's also not as preachy about big corporations, so it's a trade-off.  I found the pilot to be a bit bland, although there were some funny moments.  Big eye-roll moment with the insertion of modern pop-culture references (a bit too Back to the Future) but I enjoyed exploring the events of the Hindenburg, and only wish they'd gone more into depth on that, and less into the fictional characters they populated the era with.

After the initial scenes with a bit of German and subtitles, this is an excellent show to knit to, as the time-travel aspects (so far) aren't too complex to track.  It feels more like an excuse to do period action scenes than an actual exploration of history.

As I am a sucker for all things time-travel, I will give this a few episodes to get going.  Right now it's sitting at a solid three and a half stars.  A hand-to-hand combat scene in the kitchen of the Hindenburg is all well and good, but it doesn't make up for the rather banal beginning.  At $20 for a pre-order of the season though, you're hard-pressed to find that many future hours of entertainment at that price.

ARQ (2016) TV-MA

Robbie Amell (The Tomorrow People), Rachael Taylor (Jessica Jones)  A weapons engineer is reliving the same terrible day over and over in this Neflix original film set in a future apocalypse where a mega-corporation has taken over and a group of resistance fighters known as The Bloc are fighting for human freedom.

I'm a sucker for good time-travel or time-loop stories, although they can sometimes be tedious.  This was gritty and down to earth, with no slick white futuristic lab... just a guy and his garage.  It was way easier to understand than Primer but not nearly as much fun to watch as Retroactive.  I found ARQ to be ultimately depressing, leaving me with a sense of futility.  And there was a lot of blood in the meantime.

Not a lot of reactionary counts on this one... one LOL moment when the couple pops up out of bed cursing, and a couple of holy crap moments when people died unexpectedly or in extra hideous ways.  It's not that it's terribly bland, just not that surprising.  If you're a fan of this type of story, then you've seen it before... it's just the science that's different.

Ultimately, if you like time-loop stories and they don't distract you, you'll find this one a good one to craft to.  It doesn't condescend, but neither is it too obscure that you feel like you have to study every moment to follow the story.  Just make sure you have something light and funny handy as a palate cleanser after, because it's a bit on the grim side.

Four and a half stars.  I don't always need a happy ending, but the specifics of this tale ending in such a depressing manner hit a little too close to home.

 

Ghostbusters (2016) PG-13

 Four women who are passionate about the science behind ghosts band together to stop a maniacal fanatic bent on breaking through the veil and releasing ghosts into our plane.

The '80s classic Ghostbusters gets a facelift in this re-imagined version that pays fair tribute to the spirit of the original.  When I heard about the gender swap, I was skeptical.  When I heard Chris Hemsworth was going to be the receptionist, I rolled my eyes, and while some parts of his role were certainly cringe-worthy, in the end the whole amalgamation of parts came together in a fun, enjoyable film.

The spirits themselves were very reminiscent of those in the original film, but the graphics were of course up to date.  The general design continually called back to the source, but still had its own spin on everything.  And when Zuul was mentioned at the very, very, very end, I cheered.

So many laugh out loud moments I lost count.  A few holy crap moments for some jump scares and rather gross possession scenes.  I didn't even try to knit, as I was engaged from the very beginning.

And honestly ladies, it was worth the purchase just to see Hemsworth lead a choreographed group dance scene.  Yum.

If you're nostalgic about the original, you will not be disappointed in this remake.  Between the cameos by the original cast and the clever shout-outs (such as Slimer emerging with a mouth full of hot dogs) fans of the original should be whooping with recognition at every turn.  And at this price point it's a great addition to place on a shelf next to the others.

Superfast! (2015) PG-13

An undercover cop joins a street-racing thievery ring and gets more than he bargained for in this fast-paced spoof.

This is not normally my type of movie... I'm drawn to a more cerebral type of humor.  I do have to admit though, I laughed a lot at this movie, even it if it was laughter of the "OMG this is so stupid" variety.

If you don't mind gross-out humor, fast cars, and appreciate Airplane!-type movies, then this is for you.  For knitters, there might be a few things you miss if you don't watch the screen the whole time, but it's still slightly enjoyable background noise.

Many, many laugh out loud moments (over ten) sprinkled with a few needle-dropping moments, eye-rolls, and holy crap moments.  It's slightly racist at times, and you get assaulted with T&A in the first thirty seconds, but if you're looking for fluff you can forget when it's done, this will fit the bill.

Three stars.  I liked it a little, but funny as it is I don't think I'll purchase it, not even at this price point.

Clue (1985) PG

Six strangers with blackmail-able secrets are invited to a mansion dinner party by the mysterious Mr. Boddy.  When people start dying, it's a matter of wits to find out who the killer is.

If this isn't considered a classic, it should be.  The comedic lineup is stellar with Martin Mull (WKRP), Madeline Kahn (Young Frankenstein, Blazing Saddles), Christopher Lloyd (Taxi, Back to the Future), Eileen Brennan (The Sting, Will & Grace), Michael McKean (This is Spinal Tap, Laverne and Shirly), and Tim Curry (IT, Rocky Horror Picture Show).

The movie is so iconic that it was paid homage as an episode of Psych, with several of the surviving cast members in re-imagined roles.

When released in theaters, there were three possible endings (and sets of killers), each locale (divided by time zone) receiving a different one.  When released on DVD, thankfully, all three endings were included.

This movie is rich with sharp, witty dialogue, but there are hilarious visual gags too numerous to mention here.  If this is your first viewing, I recommend putting the knitting needles down and taking it all in.  If you've seen it before, or like me have used this as a go-to background movie for several years (or decades) then by all means craft away.  You'll know when to look up.  Five stars, cannot be improved upon, and at $10 for the blu-ray, a must-have for any comedic collection.

Last Days on Mars (2013) R

During the last two days of an extended tour in the dome complex on Mars, the crew of the Aurora 2 discover a deep-dwelling bacteria under the crust of the surface.

If you've ever argued with your buddies at a drunken 2 am about who would win, astronauts or zombies, this movie answers that question.  I avoided watching this movie, passing it by on my Netflix list for several months, after the pain and disappointment of Stranded, which gave birth to my eye roll count category it was so bad.  Thankfully I was very pleasantly surprised by this film.

Liev Schreiber (X-Men Origins: Wolverine), Elias Koteas (Collateral Damage) and Olivia Williams (Dollhouse, Man Up) make up half of the crew.  Their days are short, their tour is almost up, they're two weeks from retirement... blah blah blah you know the trope.  Then of course someone does something boneheaded and screws it up for everybody.

There is a reason why the space program weeds out people who break rules and don't follow protocols, people... because one guy screws it up and everybody has a very, very bad day.

One laugh out loud moment, and the rest of the time I was pretty much glued to the screen.  There is a bit of a slump when there's half an hour to go.  I don't know if it's because it's been non-stop tense from the beginning and that's the limit for me before I stop paying attention because I can't take the tension anymore, or if things truly slowed down.  I will say that despite my talking to the screen ("Why don't you headbutt him, you have a helmet on?!?") and the usual horror movie moments of "Don't go in there!  Don't split up!" there were no true eye roll moments for me.

If you loved Aliens or have a soft spot for zombie movies, you might find it hard to craft to this one.  It's not as intense as Gravity, but it's certainly a step up from Ghosts of Mars, which I enjoyed but found a bit campy.  Four and a half stars on this one, and the only improvement that would make it better would be to explain Schreiber's character's constant panic attacks throughout the film. They're represented by surreal visions of his time on the space station before coming on assignment from what I can gather, but early on in the film you're left wondering if he's seeing visions of the past, future, or being contacted by the as yet not revealed enemy via psychic means.

Solid viewing choice, and a nice addition to any sci-fi or zombie collection.

Vintage Tomorrows (2015) TV-14

This one-hour documentary is a brief examination of the steampunk movement and what it's all about.

Having read "The Parasol Protectorate" on the recommendation of a friend, this was a really interesting documentary for me, and not only because the author is interviewed in it, but also because it's a movie and movement about makers...  Creative, crafty people getting out there with their imaginations on fire and making things happen.

I think we've lost something by not encouraging every child to have at least one hands-on craft as a hobby, whether it's crochet, woodworking, or welding.  Everyone should be able to dream something and bring it into physical reality.  The people in this documentary don't just celebrate making... it's their lifestyle.

I gave this four stars, mostly because it seemed to almost hold one or two of the participants up for ridicule, and that was most definitely not in the spirit of the subject matter.  A couple of laugh out loud moments, and the story of the couple where the man wrote a three act steampunk play to propose to his now wife made me misty-eyed... worth a watch if you have an hour to sit down and make something.

The Invasion (2007) PG-13

Carole Bennell (Nicole Kidman), a divorced mom and psychiatrist, finds herself to be the last normal woman in New York city after a shuttle crash brings an alien virus to Earth.  Can her boyfriend, Doctor Ben Driscoll (Daniel Craig), help her and her immune son to the military installation where they're working on a cure?

Names are not the only thing recycled in this remake of the 1978 classic I reviewed last week.  Veronica Cartwright has a small role as Bennell's first patient to notice something is wrong with her husband.  Sound familiar?  Still, it's a semi-sweet nod to the original without being campy, and Cartwright as always did a bang-up job.

The feel of this film is also true to the tonal spirit of the original, while maintaining a more exciting and brisker pace.  There are slow, building tensions without the tedium of looking at growing plants and endless shots of the city wondering just exactly you're supposed to be seeing that furthers the plot, and this remake also has horrific reveals that leave you wondering... did I just see what I think I just saw?

But for me, it all comes down to the ending.  While the '78 version leaves you wondering about the fate of humanity, the ending of this remake leaves nothing to wonder about at the end... except maybe that we might have been better off in a symbiotic relationship with the alien virus.

While the '78 film had its horrors relating to the communist red scare overtones of the original book, this 2007 version feels like a slightly glossy junk magazine cover.  Kidman is pretty to look at, but a lot of the depth and substance behind the horror is gone, and we're left with a horror/sci-fi film that ultimately says nothing.

One laugh out loud moment at a joke by Ollie, and two holy crap moments, but otherwise low counts on this one.  I got quite a lot knit during this one, as the dialogue and running around New York don't require your full attention.

Three out of five stars.  It was acceptable as brain filler while crafting, but it's not sublime cinema.

Man Up (2015) R

34 and single, Nancy (Lake Bell) is mistaken for a 40 year old (Simon Pegg) divorced man's blind date.  Smitten after his awkward and verbose introduction, she decides to play along and goes on the date.  The resulting evening is not what either of them were expecting.

Honestly more romantic comedies should be like this one.  It has everything one could want... wild sex theories, setting your ex's new boyfriend on fire, grand gestures, and crying (and tastefully shagging) in the toilets.

This was Simon Pegg at his most attractive, with all of his geeky-ness intact.  This is my second experience with Lake Bell's work, and she's still utterly genuine and charming.  If there is a single imperfection to this film's entire experience, it is the overly grotesque actions of Nancy's stalker from High School, though his character sets it up for a hilarious plot kink at the end.

Five hilarious laugh out loud moments, for which the count probably should have been higher but they all started snowballing together at one point into one, non-stop laugh.  Two holy crap moments, and you'll know them when you see them.  I didn't knit at all for the last half hour, mostly because I forgot (!) I was knitting, I was so caught up in the story.  I even cried at the very end.  Aw...

If you like the occasional rom-com, set this one up in your queue.  If you're a big fan of rom-coms, and like to keep a collection on hand for movie night, then add this one to your collection.  You will enjoy.  Just hang onto your scarves.

Deep In The Darkness (2014) NR

A city doctor (Sean Patrick Thomas, Save the Last Dance) and his family move to a rural town to take over a practice and escape city life.  The town harbors a generations-old secret that they find difficult to escape.  With Dean Stockwell (Quantum Leap) in a small role.

While I would normally go into the plot in more depth at this point, and explain what I liked and didn't like about this film, instead I'm going to explain why I'm giving it a single star.  They started out with my most-hated trope of all time, the How We Got Here trope, or what I call "Fourteen hours earlier...".  It's lazy writing, and in this case was kind of a spoiler for the ending, which would have been better served not being shown ahead of time.  Following that, the only reason it's even getting a single star is because the buildup of paranoia, and creepy vibe, is very well done... up to a point.  Unfortunately someone decided that bloody, gory, sexual dream scenes needed to be inserted very abruptly and unnecessarily.  The film was sufficiently horrifying enough before those were dropped in, and they actually ruined the slow building effect they had going.

Then when I realized that the whole film is a textbook case of big-city people's fears of a small town, with their local customs and quirks, I just shut down.  We've seen it before, in everything from Torchwood's episode "Countrycide" [sic] to Deliverance and a myriad of treatments in between.  Sure, we get the opposite of the spectrum, like Northern Exposure or Gilmore Girls, with their love-affairs with small town living, but people really do love to drag out the horror stories about small towns and their presumed "cults".  It's insulting.

The isolates were creepy, but once we're shown them fully and in bright light, they lose a lot of their terror and become curiosities.  Really gross curiosities.

One laugh out loud moment, one holy crap moment at the very end, and about three eye roll moments before I stopped ticking those off.  There were a dozen different choices they could have made that would have let me continue to enjoy this story, but they were not made.  The acting was all top-notch and felt sincere, it was just the subject matter and editing I had a problem with.

Only watch this if you're in the mood to see a figurative train-wreck.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) PG

A city health inspector (Donald Sutherland), a biologist (Brooke Adams), a bathhouse owner/poet (Jeff Goldblum), and his wife (Veronica Cartwright) find themselves the last humans in New York city, and being chased by a respected psychiatrist/author (Leonard Nimoy) after a meteor-infused rain shower drops parasitic flowers all over the city.

Based on a book by Jack Finney, this is a slow-burning film, but once the powder keg is ignited it really gets going.  The build-up of paranoia is well-crafted, and finally they all have to admit that New Yorkers are acting even odder than usual.

The final scene with Sutherland and Cartwright is iconic.  This would make a good bookend film with the original Alien if you're planning a movie marathon of classic alien films, and maybe throw Carpenter's The Thing in the middle somewhere.

For crafters, this is perfect.  Lots of dialogue, and slow paced buildup.  If you've never seen it before though, be aware that a lot of the building tension relies on catching odd looks and behavior that you might miss if you're not paying attention, so look up occasionally.

There isn't much to my usual counts on this movie since I've seen it before, unless you want to count a holy crap moment late in the film when a man and his dog are improperly replicated.  That's really disturbing.  Four and a half stars.  I'd love to give it five, but I think the beginning is too slow for today's ADD/digitally obsessed generation, and they'd give up before you even get to the good stuff.

   

Warm Bodies (2013) PG-13

Post zombie-apocalypse, an unusual zombie, whose only memory of his name is "R" (Nicholas Hoult), falls for and saves a human girl named Julie (Teresa Palmer) from an attack by his fellow zombies.  Will their communities ever understand and accept them?

Based on the book by Isaac Marion, this strange romance is loosely based on, you guessed it, Romeo and Juliet.  It's a "Twilight-esque" romantic comedy with gory appeal for those who don't mind a little gross-out with their tender tales.  Unfortunately I was still rolling my eyes at the umpteenth R & J homage I've seen and was a little distracted from the first half hour.  It's funny, and it's not too grotesque if you can get past eating brains.

The whole thing is a little far-fetched, but then so is a zombie with a heartbeat and the girl who loves him.

Eight laugh out loud moments, and one eyeroll moment when John Malkovich shows up.  If the constant ripping-off of Shakespeare doesn't bother you, and if you might enjoy watching an actress who reminds me of Kristin Stewart, but with facial expressions, then you will love this movie.  I certainly enjoyed it for the humor, but the occasional annoyance of the song choice during the makeup scene and similar incidents struck me the wrong way.  Four out of five stars.  Definitely a good movie for crafters, but you'll want to keep one eye on the screen for some of the subtleties relating to R's zombie state.

 

Hot Fuzz (2007) R

A London cop, exiled to the country for being too good at his job, finds a conspiracy in his new tiny hamlet.

Part of the "Cornetto" trilogy with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, this is by far the most ridiculous of the three, and the other two have zombies and aliens in them.  There's just something fundamentally unbelievable about a cabal of murderous townsfolk in a small village.  I've lived in small towns my whole life, and while yes, they can be rife with nepotism, gossiping busy-bodies, and odd ducks, I have yet to run into any with a secret society hell-bent on murder.

Or am I being naive?

Ridiculous as the plot is, the movie itself is a fun romp with our favorite movie buddy team.  With the insane gun play, chase scenes, and explosions Hollywood expects from its action flicks, it does not disappoint in that regard.

Three laugh out loud moments, an eye-roll at some over-the-top funny business with the town trollop, and a holy crap moment towards the end, this movie is good enough to twitch your knitting needles to, so long as you're not in it for the Shakespeare.  Four out of five stars.  It could have been five, if not for the extreme gruesomeness of the murder and mayhem.  At a price point below $10, I still recommend picking up the DVD if only to round out the trilogy.  Mindless crude humor has its place.

Captain America: Civil War (2016) PG-13

Divided by loyalties and political differences with a slight push from an unforseen source, the Avengers fight among themselves.

It's Captain America (Chris Evans) going toe-to-toe with Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.).  As the other Avengers take sides, and new characters are introduced (namely Black Panther and Spider-Man) the divide is believable and sympathy-inducing.  We can see each side clearly, and empathize... but then we also see they're being manipulated.

I was a little nervous about this one.  The Civil War story line would be hard to encapsulate in a two-hour format, and Joss Whedon is not sitting in the usual writer/director's chair.  Despite that, this latest addition to the Marvel universe series kept the humor and charm of the previous installments, and kept the exciting pace of action going as well.  The addition of Peter Parker/Spider-Man was delightfully fun, and seeing the reunion of Marisa Tomei (as Aunt May) sitting next to Downey on the couch was a nice visual for those of us who lived through and watched Downey's early career.  (You younger fans might want to look up Only You if you're interested in an early career rom-com.)

Eight laugh out loud moments, and a record-setting six "holy crap" moments (a lot of which were made during chase scenes with some impressive fight moves).  I didn't even bother trying to knit through this one, though I was tempted  to pick it up in the middle when there was a bit of exposition.

A fine addition to the series, I give it a full five stars.  Pop some popcorn and set the knitting down the first time through, though... the visuals should all be seen at least once.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986) PG-13

Livestock hauler Jack Burton (Kurt Russell) runs afoul of Chinese fighting tongs, evil sorcerers, and black-magic demons in this fantasy action flick.  When his gambling buddy loses a girl to street thugs, Jack uses his bumbling street smarts to help track her down.  Only with the aid of a local tour bus driver, and Chinatown lawyer Gracie Law (Kim Cattral) can he make it through the magical world of Chinese black magic and emerge on the other side.

This movie is ridiculous, but it doesn't seem to take itself very seriously either.  From opening with Egg Shen consulting his lawyer (whom X-files fans will recognize as Deep Throat) to a crazy street brawl at a funeral, to the shaggy ape-dog that roams Lo Pan's catacombs, it's one long, surreal movie that doesn't even seem to get its Chinese cultural details right.

Do we care?  It's fun, but it's not for everyone.

For knitters, this can be an enjoyable bit of noise in the background as you go.  While the opening and ending are pretty exciting, I find it sags in the middle.  And maybe now that I'm older and more indoctrinated to modern film, it seems a bit naive and childish.  But I have fond memories of watching this film a lot before the advent of the DVD... I could produce the worn out VHS tape as proof if I still had mine, but those fell victim to a clutter destash long ago.

Long story short, if you want something slightly funny without taxing your brain too much, this movie fits the bill well enough.  A handful of laugh out loud moments, and an eyeroll or two, but worth adding to your collection if you're still nostalgic about the '80s and its movie style, or a fan of John Carpenter's directing in general.

The Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) PG-13

Still suffering PTSD from going through a black hole to save New York, Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) secretly tries to create an intelligent protector to shield the world from any alien threats.  He wants to feel safe again, and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to build something.  Unfortunately his construct went the way of Skynet and decided the best way to save humanity was to wipe the slate clean.  Perhaps he shouldn't have used an unknown, alien A.I. to power it?  It's then up to the Avengers to save the planet from a danger one of their own created.

The delightful thing about having Joss Whedon involved with the Marvel universe is that despite the over-the-top story lines and crazy planet-threatening situations, there is always an element of humor that is relate-able for everyone.

For makers, this is a tough one... flashy, beautiful fight scenes, not a lot of exposition, so unless you can craft without looking at your hands, you might miss some wonderful moments.  The by-play between Black Widow (Scarlett Johanssen) and Banner/Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) is lovely, as is Hawkeye's (Jeremy Renner) with his brood.

Almost too many laugh-out-loud moments to count, though I did jot down seven (and this was not my first viewing) and of course I dropped my knitting needles several times to enjoy the action.

If superhero movies are your bag, don't hesitate to add this to the collection.  When I first purchased this, the price difference between just Blu-ray and the 3D/Blu multi-format disks was staggering, but now there is only a $3-5 price difference, so go for multi-format.

 

Brotherhood of Blades (2014) NR

Three Imperial Assassins are pawns in a chain of conspiracies and lies in ancient Asia.

A satisfying, if somewhat over-the-top swordplay movie, the three sworn brothers offer a little bit of something for everyone in this film... one loves a courtesan, another a doctor's daughter, and the third has career ambitions to please his mother and late father's memory.

Now, the bad news for crafters... unless you're fluent in the language, you're going to have to watch the subtitles on this one.  BUT... the embroidery of the costuming and the lush scenery are gorgeously artistic and not to be missed.  During the swordplay, there is a lot of blood splashing around, but it's mostly post-production CGI and therefore fake enough to be not terribly upsetting for the squeamish.

No real counts for this one, as I decided to forgo my knitting for this (I know exactly zero Asian languages) although there was one laugh out loud moment towards the end when a character proclaims "You are so dead!" and I had a momentary flash of Chandler Bing in richly embroidered robes... but that's my own peccadillo.

If you're a fan of martial arts, swordplay, and intrigue, or just want to mindlessly watch something flashy and pretty for an hour and a half, then you'd do well with this one.  Four stars, which could have been five if they hadn't gone with a schmaltzy, feel-good ending in the last thirty seconds.

 

U-571 (2000) PG-13

An American Navy crew and two specialists race a German resupply ship to a sinking German U-boat to retrieve documents and code machinery that could help turn the tide of WWII.

This is an exciting military action movie that breaks the usual mold of the WWII picture by focusing on the Navy's efforts to track down and secure the elusive Enigma code engine and documents.  There's a star-studded cast including quite a few well-known actors, such as Matthew McConaughey (True Detective), Harvey Keitel (Chosen), Bill Paxton (Texas Rising), and even Jon Bon Jovi has a small role.

This movie is intense and thrilling right from the beginning, as we watch the German crew of the U-571 deal with the attack that disables their sub in the first place.  The heroic efforts of the American crew that follows is both inspiring in its patriotism, and intense as the stakes rise higher.

For crafters, the beginning must be watched to catch all the translation subtitles unless you are fluent in German.  As for the rest, you will find yourself dropping your needles often to watch the military maneuvers, explosions, and naval battles.  Only watch this one while crafting if you can work without looking.

No real counts for this one, as I've seen it before and it's not really a LOL inspiring film, but there were a few eye-roll moments with Bill Paxton's uber-serious speech that was difficult to take seriously, and how the ending just seemed to... happen.  It was rather anti-climactic, all things considered.

I still give it four out of five stars, although I wonder how useful the machine was considering the efforts of Alan Turing and the other code-breakers at Bletchley Park.  If you're a fan of military or naval pictures, this one is a must-watch, and a serious contender for being added to your collection.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Led astray by the machinations of a young Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg), Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck) fears the possible ramifications of a superhero with no oversight, and goes after Superman (Henry Cavill).  The hero of Gotham goes on a quest to find kryptonite to take down the Man of Steel.  Will the arrival of Diana Prince (Gal Gadot) show him the error of his thinking?

Where do I begin?  First, this movie is long.  Ridiculously long.  Don't get me wrong, I love superhero movies.  I am currently working my way through the Marvel universe for the third or fourth time, for fun, and I love it.  I also love the characters of Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman, but this?  This movie does them all a grave disservice.

It is my opinion that DC has seen the success of Marvel, and is trying to play catch-up.  The problem is you canNOT jam the content of hundreds upon hundreds of issues of a comic into a single movie.  This movie was a chopped up mishmash of a thousand events that they tried to distill into a single script.  It cannot be done coherently.  It was NOT done coherently.  Watching the movie with a friend, who has read all the back issues of the comics related to these three characters and the Justice League, at several points we stopped, looked at each other, and said "What the heck is going on?".

If you're a crafter, and don't care whether or not you're following the story, this can be great... it's noise and the occasional flashy bit of action to keep your brain occupied while your hands are occupied on something else.  Just be sure to set aside three (!) hours of uninterrupted time.  More if you have dogs or children who need to be fed.

I did not have any counts for this movie... I was so annoyed by Bruce Wayne's flashes of imagination to his future dystopia with Superman as an evil villain (all of which could have been cut... seriously) that I just couldn't muster any kind of response to anything on the screen.  No laugh out loud moments, no "holy crap!" moments, no dropping of the needles distracted by the action, and I couldn't even be bothered to count any eyeroll moments because the whole movie is one big one.  Even by the time Wonder Woman used her golden lasso, all I could muster up was an "Oh, neat." And she's my favorite super hero.

So thanks, DC.  You managed to let a very large group of people ruin her for me.  Two out of five stars for this movie.  And for the love of all that is good, don't waste your money on the 4k Ultra version.

The Switch (2010) PG-13

Middle-aged single New Yorker Kassie (Jennifer Anniston) ignores the advice of her long-time best friend and former boyfriend Wally (Jason Bateman) and decides to jump-start her child-rearing years by hiring a sperm donor.  Drunk and confused at Kassie's "pregnancy party", Wally accidentally destroys the donated sperm and replaces it with his own.  Seven years later when she moves back to New York, the supposed donor comes back into Kassie's life, but Wally realizes that both mother and child have changed him in many ways, and he can't butt out.

I went into this movie expecting something a little more screwball, maybe more like a wacky episode of "Friends", but I was pleasantly surprised.  This is not only a modern tale of procreation and romance between long-time friends, it's also a tale about parents falling in love with their children (although how someone can fall in love while picking very unrealistic lice out of a child's hair is beyond me).

As a knitter's movie, this is pretty good.  While there are some visual gags and outrageous outfits that shouldn't be missed, for the most part it's rich in dialogue that you can craft your way through.

Four laugh-out-loud moments that were mostly towards the end, and two eye-roll moments at some of the over-the-top reactions when he realized what he'd done, but nothing startling or engrossing enough to drop my knitting needles.

I give this movie a three out of five stars.  While the ending is certainly warm enough, there just isn't a lot of chemistry between Bateman and Anniston.  The shots of the photos at the end gave me a more satisfied feeling than their first kiss.  Maybe a different cast would have been better, I don't know, but they definitely gave more of a friends-kissing-chastely vibe than the excitement of new love.

It's good for a watch, and it definitely gives a fuzzy-warm ending, but I'd have to think long and hard before paying money to add it to my film collection.

I've finally moved!

I have left behind rural Texas with its "only satellite-internet available" service and trekked 1400 miles to the charming locale of rural Minnesota which has one thing going for it over Texas... cable internet service with no bandwidth cap.

Expect new reviews coming up shortly.

Hiatus 9/2015

This movie review site will be going on a temporary hiatus until such time as I can find an internet provider out here in the boondocks that doesn't have the annoying tendency to cut out on me for days at a time.  While there are rumors (and big spools of cabling on the side of the road to back it up) of a fiber optic network being laid in our neighborhood, there is no telling how long this will take.  For now, I am on satellite and it sucks.

When it comes to my writing I prefer to have a routine, and when I cannot rely on my infrastructure to maintain that routine, it becomes a lot less fun for me.  I was trying to buffer their unreliability by scheduling posts ahead of time, but my margin got consumed by their latest outage.

I'll be back when the situation changes.