Cockneys vs. Zombies (2012) NR

Cockneys vs. Zombies (2012) NR 

Michelle Ryan (Bionic Woman), Harry Treadaway (Honeymoon), Alan Ford (Snatch)

A pair of bumbling brothers decide to rob a bank when the old-age home their grandfather who raised them is living in goes into arrears.  What could go wrong?  Try the zombie apocalypse.

A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night (2014) NR

A dismal oil town gets even worse when a young vampire girl starts wandering the streets at night.

If "Near Dark" and "Requiem For A Dream" went on vacation in 1950's Paris, got pregnant and had the baby at home somewhere in the middle east, this movie would be that baby.

Atmospheric black and white in Persian with subtitles, it was depressing and dark.  Maybe I would have understood some of the nuances a little better if I was more familiar with the culture, but I did find the visual comparison between the traditional vampire cloak and a woman's hijab interesting.

There is a trench on the edge of town filled with corpses.  And clearly, there are no police.  There are vast class differences, yet they all seem to party together.

If you prefer to slowly experience a world as conceived by the director through tone and ambiance, then you will enjoy this film.  Unfortunately I found it too slowly paced and slightly boring.  As a film for knitters, you might be okay... even with the subtitles, it is long-paced enough that you will have ample stretches of time to stitch while waiting for dialogue.


As for my usual  counts, there was only one eye roll moment at the drug dealer and his stereotypical bachelor pad.  Where does he go hunting for animal head trophies, exactly?

Don't take offense if you loved this film... I am the same way with books.  I hate exposition and prefer lots of dialogue.  Subtle looks and smoke-filled rooms only take me so far.  If I can't tell what a character wants, and how it's trying to achieve it even when the film is almost over, then I'm not happy.

I gave this movie three out of five stars.  I don't need my vampires to move fast for me to enjoy the film, but I found this girl to be a complete mystery right up until the end, and that bothered me.  Perhaps you'll like her better.

American Sniper (2014) R

Bradley Cooper (Hangover, Limitless), Sienna Miller (Interview (2007))

The biographical tale of Chris Kyle, legendary sniper from Desert Storm.

The Phoenix Project (2015) NR

Corey Rieger (Out of the Furnace), Andrew Simpson (Heathens and Thieves), David Pesta (Creed), Orson Ossman (Life Inside Out)

Four young scientists come together to work on a machine that could possibly re-animate the dead.

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead (2010)

A documentary about one Australian's trip across the US while doing a juice fast to reboot his declining health.

Ever since I was a kid, I've heard the saying that "you are what you eat", and that is certainly true.  Your body can't pull the nutrients it needs out of thin air through your

Space Station 76 (2014)

Liv Tyler (Armageddon), Matt Bomer (White Collar), Patrick Wilson (Hard Candy)

Life is like the swinging '70s aboard Space Station 76... a refueling station that is moving (for some unknown reason) through the stars.  The arrival of a new, female XO (Tyler) seems to shake things up, and not in a good way.

Much Ado About Nothing (2013)

Amy Acker (Angel), Alexis Denisof (Grimm), Nathan Fillion (Castle)

Joss Whedon's adaptation of the Shakespeare play.

I love it when an adaptation makes Shakespeare more accessible to the general public, and I think this one does... especially because of the acting by Acker and Denisof.  Even if you don't understand every phrase, their actions and expressions make the story clear and fun.

Joss worked in some physical comedy, too, and that can't hurt.

If you're familiar with Joss Whedon's previous work, you will see a ton of familiar faces from Buffy, Dollhouse, Firefly, and even Agents of SHIELD.  Set in a contemporary setting, but with the traditional language, this is not a good film for crafters, however.  Unless you're an English major, seeing their expressions is a must if you want to understand what's going on. 

Six laugh out loud moments, particularly during the scenes when the family is trying to match-make Benedick and Beatrice.  Otherwise, no counts.  I did not attempt to knit during this, even though it's my second viewing, because I enjoy the performances so much, with a few exceptions that can be easily overlooked.

Though some prefer the Kenneth Branagh version, if you enjoy Shakespeare, definitely give this a shot. 

The Bag Man (2014) R

John Cusack (Identity), Robert DeNiro (Cape Fear), Dominic Purcell (Assault on Wall Street)

A hitman, Jack, (Cusack) is tasked by his boss Dragna (DeNiro) to pick up a bag and deliver it to a motel in the middle of the Louisiana bayou.  His instructions?  Wait in room thirteen, and don't look in the bag.  The problem is the small town local weirdos won't leave him alone...

If you took a sixteen year old off of his Ritalin, got him high on weed, and

Words and Pictures (2013) PG-13

Clive Owen (Children of Men), Juliette Binoche (Chocolat)

Two teachers at a New England prep school get into a battle over words vs. pictures... but is it really about the arts?  Or their hearts?

Drunken poet Jack Marcus (Owen) is a stereotypical writer... published once long ago, but hasn't written a word in years.  Dina DelSanto (Binoche) is a celebrated NYC painter who has lost control of her body to rheumatoid

Dead Snow (2009) NR

Eight medical students on break decide to go to a remote cabin far up in the mountains where they discover a hidden cache of Nazi gold.  When they agree to keep it for themselves, the soldiers rise from their wintry graves and try to take it back.

This is in Norwegian, but it has English subtitles, so as a crafting movie this will suck unless you can knit without looking at your hands.  However, the

Werewolf: The Beast Among Us (2012) NR

 Werewolf: The Beast Among Us (2012) NR

Ed Quinn (Eureka), Stephen Rea (Crying Game)

A troupe of werewolf hunters travel from town to town, village to village, clearing out the beasts.  Their latest prey is different, however, and seems to retain the intelligence of a man in its wolf-form.  Can these hunters save the village from the thing that's terrorizing them?

Oof.  Most of the actors seem to be chosen for their looks or accent, rather than their acting ability.  The one actor from the Vancouver acting pool that I know and like, Quinn, is in it far too little to make up for the wooden performances of the rest.  There's about an hour of tired cliches, followed by some admittedly interesting twists, then more cliches and a rather idiotic ending clearly meant to invite sequels.

Other than the eyeroll count which was off the charts, there is very little to redeem this movie.  One of the hunters chasing after the local doctor's apprentice's girlfriend and attempting to rape her seemed to have no place in the plot except to set up a twist later.  There's a rather large brothel in a teeny, tiny village... I mean, it appeared to be the village's only industry.  Just weird, whacked out script from the first scene.

I gave it a generous two out of five stars.  I didn't *hate* it, but I would never ever watch this again.  I'd recommend it if you're about to take a nap, and the gunshots won't keep you awake, but that's about it.

Good Luck Chuck (2007) NR

Dane Cook (Employee of the Month), Jessica Alba (Paranoid)

Charlie (Cook), cursed at age 10 by a budding wiccan playing spin the bottle, is the lucky charm that helps every woman he sleeps with find her true love...

Late Phases (2014) NR

 Late Phases (2014) NR

 

Nick Damici (Stake Land), Ethan Embry (Pizza), and Tom Noonan (Last Action Hero) star in this tale of aging parents, fathers and sons, and werewolves.

Blind Vietnam war veteran Ambrose McKinley (Damici) moves into the retirement community of Crescent Bay.  When he's attacked his first night there, and realizes he's dealing with the supernatural, he knows he has a month to get ready.

I didn't really expect to like this film as much as I did.  While I love a good werewolf tale, they seem to be thin on the ground in recent years.   But if Grumpy Old Men and Silver Bullet had a baby, this would be it.  The one bad thing about this movie was the overall appearance of the creature... they looked like giant furry Gremlins.  However, they are not on the screen for very long, and the story is centered more around the human dynamic.

As a movie for makers, it's solid.  You can work your knitting needles while still following the story.  Three laugh out loud moments, and one Holy Crap moment in this film.  It's understated, but the tension is there.  I think if they'd paid a little less attention to the bitchy old women of the community and spent a little more time polishing the parts with his son and the priest, this would have been a five-star film.  As it is I give it a four out of five stars, and a hearty recommendation for your next Halloween or horror film night.

Apartment 143 (2011) R

Apartment 143 (2011) R 

 

A recently widowed father invites ghost experts into his apartment to explain the strange occurrences in his home.

Another movie about the paranormal told exclusively through the lenses of hand-held video cameras, this movie is basically long, long, LONG, stretches of exposition punctuated by wind machines, flying objects, and screaming.

While some of the characters are interesting, the final explanation of the haunting, and the twist at the end was off-putting.  The use of mental illness as a scapegoat, even if later disproved, is not appealing.

There is a long camera shot with a strobe light, so if flashing lights are a problem, you will want to avoid this film.  Heck, you want to avoid this film anyway.  It's terrible.  I have no problem with films like "Paranormal Activity" and the like, but you have to create a story that is believable and consistent.  If you mish-mash a bunch of jargon together, say that's the reason, then disprove it with the last few seconds, you're basically cheating the audience, not blowing their minds.  I don't want to walk away from a film going "What the heck just happened?".

Two laugh out loud moments, deserved ones, when people were funny or clever.  Not a single count anywhere else, unless you want to count an eye roll at the very end.  The excuse for leaving the final camera was flimsy and transparent, and the jump scare expected.

I gave this a generous two out of five stars.  While it's good for background noise while crafting, because the long boring stretches are perfect for that, the story is terrible, muddy, and not resolved well.  I'm not even sure why this has an R rating, unless it was for language, which seems unlikely.  Unless all you watch is "found footage" style filming, and your collection feels very sparse, give this thing a pass.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988)

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988) - Steve Martin (Roxanne), Michael Caine (Miss Congeniality), Glenne Headly (Don Jon);  Two con-men compete over turf in Mediterranean-coast France.

I have always had a weak spot for confidence movies... Ocean's 11, Now You See Me, etc.  For me,

V/H/S (2012)

V/H/S  (2012) - Four criminal youths break into a house to find a rare VHS tape that will bring them a big payday.  As they check out the murderous and creepy collection to find the tape they want, they discover this job was more than they bargained for.

Wasn't the "found footage" movie style pretty much over by 2012?  If you're a fan of the style, you

Looper (2012) R

Looper (2012) R -  Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bruce Willis, Emily Blunt - Be aware, there will be spoilers in this review.

My first viewing of this movie was an event, for me.  I'd seen trailers, small behind-the-scenes bits, and interviews related to the movie for a long time before it was released.  Our situation is such that we rarely, rarely get to go out to the movies.  As much as I wanted to see this in theaters, we didn't...

About Time (2014)

About Time (2014) R - Domhnall Gleeson (Unbroken), Rachel McAdams (Sherlock Holmes) Timothy discovers on his 21st birthday that the men in his family can travel through time.

A thoroughly charming movie, this is part romantic comedy, and part drama.  Considering the fact

Retroactive (1997)

Retroactive (1997) R - Jim Belushi (K-9), Frank Whaley (Career Opportunities) and Kylie Travis star in this sci-fi story about a small-town Texas grifter and the off-duty police psychologist who accidentally travel through time.

This used to be one of my top-five time travel movies, but it has moved down the list slowly but surely over the years.  Maybe it's because Belushi's broad caricature of a rural Texas hick has started

Time-Bender Week 1

Welcome to the first annual Time-Bender week here on Knitter's Media Review!  The week of my birthday every year I'll do a rundown of the best and the worst in time-bender movies... time-travel, alternate timelines, alternate realities and more.  The first recap and review is coming up shortly, so check your watch and calendar and hang on!

The House at the End of Time (2013)

The House at the End of Time (2013) NR - A woman moves back into her mysterious and possibly haunted house after doing thirty years in prison for murdering her husband and being implicated in the disappearance of her son.

"Look carefully at my face.  Listen to my voice."

This movie is in Spanish, so right away, this is not a good fit for my knitting needs, as I am not fluent.  But in every other way, it is my perfect fit.  It has lighthearted moments of childhood

Interstellar (2014)

Interstellar (2014) PG-13

Former engineer and test pilot turned farmer Cooper (Matthew McConaughey, A Time to Kill) goes into space to save a dying Earth.

I discovered something new about myself watching this film... I will never be a candidate for space travel.  It started with Gravity, and I thought it was just a fluke of timing.  But ten minutes into space

Strictly Ballroom (1992)

Strictly Ballroom (1992) - Young ballroom dance competitor Scott Hastings (Paul Mercurio, Exit to Eden) wants to shake up the traditional mindset of the Australian Pan Pacific Championships and dance his own way, but everyone is against him.  When beginner Fran (Tara Morice, Moulin Rouge!) asks to be his partner, he sees his chance... but can the ugly duckling be turned into a swan in time?

This weekend was a musical marathon in the house... it's been raining for three straight days, again, and so naturally I started with Singing in the Rain, segued into High School Musical, and finished up with Moulin Rouge!... but only up to the happy "ending".  So this morning I decided to give Strictly Ballroom a try.

Predestination (2014)

Predestination (2014) -  Ethan Hawke (The Purge) stars in this movie about a time-travelling agent, sent to stop a bomber killing thousands.  Based on the short story "All You Zombies" by Robert Heinlein.

I will try to keep this as spoiler-free as possible for those of you who haven't read the source material, while trying to get across my one, main big problem with this movie.  To do this, I will reference another time-traveling movie to get my point across.  Let me tell you a little story...

In the '80s, I read a book, then watched a movie called "Somewhere in Time" starring Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour.  In this movie, Reeve is at a party when an old woman gives him a watch and whispers

Chef (2014)

Chef (2014) - A multi-star cast heats things up with this honest movie about a chef who self-destructs on social media.

Jon Favreau (Iron Man, Friends) is twitter-clueless chef Carl Casper who gets in
a sniping war with food critic Ramsey Michel (Oliver Platt) on Twitter.  In an attempt to change the critic's mind about his cooking, he offers to do a special menu.  This plan is nixed by the restaurant's owner Riva (Dustin Hoffman) who wants him to stick to the same tired menu.  Casper quits on the spot, but returns later that evening to rage at Michel in the crowded dining room.  Several phone videos are shot, the rant goes viral, and it seems as though chef Casper will never work again as a result.  He gets a beat-up food truck from his ex-wife's ex-husband (Robert Downey Jr.) and manages to turn things around in a heartwarming journey across country with his sous-chef (John Leguizamo) and ten-year-old son.  Scarlett Johansson as the hostess, Sofia Vergara as the ex-wife... lots of great actors help nudge this movie from great to outstanding.

This movie hit a lot of the right notes.  There were a few awkward moments that seemed a bit out of place considering the story overall, such as the seductive midnight snack with Johansson's Molly.  It didn't really illustrate his passion for food or highlight his desire for Vergara's Inez character.  I also thought the cornstarch scene was a bit weird.   Male bonding?  Sure.  But didn't we get enough of that with the kitchen, the beer after work, and the chef's knife?  It could have easily been skipped, and we still would have ended up with a heartwarming, fun movie.

I counted seven laugh out loud moments overall, but some of them blended in one after the other, so it was hard to get an accurate count.  I did drop the knitting needles twice in the beginning to concentrate on the story (and the awesome food visuals!) and then gave up knitting altogether about halfway through.  The food just looked too damn good.  If you've ever had beignets or a good Cuban sandwich, then you know what I'm talking about.

I give it a four and a half out of five stars.  It's a decent family or romantic-comedy that's good for foodies, with only cussing to really worry about with the kids.  A bit hard on the knitter who wants to see the food, though.

Housebound (2014)

Housebound is the story of Kylie, a drug user who gets busted while trying to rob an ATM with what I assume is her boyfriend.  She's sentenced to eight months of house arrest in her childhood home with her mother and step-father.  There's a problem... the house might be haunted.

I found this movie to be absolutely brilliant due to a lot of factors.  The acting is

Cowboys and Aliens (2011)

Cowboys and Aliens (2011) 

 

 

 

Holy cow, I could barely muster enough enthusiasm to write this review.


A spaceship arrives in Arizona, 1873, to take all of our gold.  A group of locals is all that stands in their way.
 
Jake Lonnergan (Daniel Craig, Casino Royale) wakes up in the desert with a strange wristband on his arm and no memories.  After some typical wild-west hazards, he stumbles into the nearest town.  There's a town bully, the local preacher, a lawman, and the rest of your Western stereotypes.

Really, I don't want to describe the movie any more.  For it to make sense, I would have to go into way too much detail for such a blah movie.

Imagine the driest, most boring western you've ever watched.  Imagine watching that for an hour before apparently even the writer got bored and started throwing in the aliens.  It picks up for a while, gets boring again, then picks up at the climax before falling back into blahs-ville.

Not even Craig, Harrison Ford, Clancy Brown, or Sam Rockwell could save this thing.  Even Thirteen from "House" and Cletus Van Damme from "The Shield" were in it.  You'd think with all of these proven actors, it would resemble at least something partially interesting.  It did not.

There was definitely nothing to laugh at in this movie.  It was very, very Serious Business.  Capital S, Capital B.  I did drop my needlework twice... once during the very first fight, and once right at the end in the gold smelting room.

The rest of the time I worked right through it and barely listened at all.  So in that sense it's a great movie for crafting.  You definitely won't get distracted.

As a piece of entertainment, though, I give it a two out of five.  It just took too long to get down to the sci-fi.  Catch it on Netflix if you need background noise.  If you're looking for a cheap gift for someone, the Blu-ray is under $10 bucks.  I just don't know if I want it in my collection.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

Hot Tub Time Machine was a freebie rental from Microsoft video in preparation for the theater release of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 later this week, but you can also catch it on Netflix and Amazon Instant Video.  I caught it this time on the XboxOne, but it was a little glitchy.  The subtitles actually started during the previews so it was like they were predicting the future.... don't let them try to tell you it was on purpose.

Adam (John Cusack, "The Frozen Ground"), his nephew and two high-school buddies are all having a rough time of it, and decide to recapture their youth up at a ski resort where they spent the best times of their lives.  When they arrive, it's

I Hate Valentine's Day (2010) PG-13

 

Available on Netflix and Amazon Instant Video, "I Hate Valentine's Day" is a romantic comedy filled with awkward.

Genevieve (Nia Vardalos) is a 30-something florist who has a simple policy:  Five dates and move on.  Then she meets former-lawyer-turned-Tapas-bar-owner Greg (John Corbett) and her policy doesn't work for her anymore.

This pair of actors, previously seen together in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding",