Heart Eyes (2025) R

 Heart Eyes (2025) R

 

A sinister killer is killing couples across the country on Valentine's Day... Boston, Philadelphia, and now Seattle. Advertising executive Ally (Olivia Holt, Totally Killer) and the new guy who wants to take her job, Jay Simmonds (Mason Gooding, Fall) find themselves in the killer's crosshairs after a Valentine's Day work dinner where she ran into her ex and asked Jay to play along as her boyfriend.  Can they survive this slasher's rampage of terror?

 This movie tries to be two things at once... a romantic comedy, and a slasher film.  In doing so, it's a watered down version of either.  There is probably a way to make the two genres mesh, but this movie did not deliver.  The romance was too cutesy and over the top, and the slasher portion suffered from its frequent intrusion. 

It's very hard to take either half seriously when the best friend literally chains together the titles of what must be 20 different romance movies at the end, passing it off as conversation.  I'm sure the writer thought they were very clever, but it just highlighted how jarring aspects of this movie were shoehorned together.

Despite two eyeroll moments, there were three laugh out loud moments, including a wayward vibrator that Ally tried to hide.  I did end up scrolling my phone somewhere in the middle while they were at the police station, but it picked up again in a little bit.

The "twist" is predictable.  The kills are actually inventive and fun, but they immediately have their impact lessened by Ally and Jay making goo goo eyes at each other and spouting goofball dialogue.  I'd watch it again, but only on Valentine's Day to highlight my aggravation at the holiday.  Three out of five bloody reusable straws.  It's worth a watch, but I wouldn't pay too much for it.

 

John Carter (2012) PG-13

John Carter (2012) PG-13

 

 Civil War vet John Carter (Taylor Kitsch, Big Bang Club) is mysteriously transported to Mars, where he discovers a strange landscape full of unusual, four-armed inhabitants. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter the beautiful Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins, The Merchant of Venice), who needs his help.

This Disney movie based on the Edgar Rice Burroughs novella "A Princess of Mars" is counted as one of the most expensive movies of its time, with a budget of 306.6 million dollars. No doubt this is due to large crowds of CGI characters, effects, and extras.

An adventurous romp with interesting characters, I found myself comparing it a bit to Tarzan.  Burroughs definitely writes a type, and Disney didn't shy away from it, keeping Taylor in skimpy outfits. It's a shame this movie didn't get more attention than it did, as its a fine film.  In addition to the "fish out of water" elements, there were overtones of natives vs. settlers conflicts, and inter-city politics requiring arranged marriages.  Sprinkle on a bit of aerial battles and devious dealings, and you've got an adventure tale that has something for the entire family.  

I really don't want to spoil it for you.  It was nice to go into a book to film that I hadn't read, so I could be completely surprised.

Five laugh out loud moments that I counted (there were probably many more) including an alien's obvious interpretation of an offered hand shake.  Not a lot of Oh Shit moments.  Most events were pretty well telegraphed and unsurprising.

Despite being predictable, I would watch this again when I'm in the mood.  It might pair well with Brendan Fraser's The Mummy as a double feature.  They have a similar overall feel.

The Blackening (2022) R

 The Blackening (2022) R

 

Grace Byers (Bent), Dewayne Perkins (Sausage Party), Sinqua Walls (Mending the Line)

Seven friends reunite to go to a vacay rental remote cabin in the woods for a weekend of drinking, games, and debauchery to celebrate Juneteenth.  While there they discover a mysterious game called "The Blackening".

 Ok I will admit... I'm from Minnesota and whiter than white.  Persons of color are not common where I live.  So I am probably super ignorant of the subtleties of racism in society today.  But I will say this about this movie... it made me look up the history of Juneteenth.  It's far older than I knew, and the trivia in the board game is stuff that everyone should know.

This is a quality slasher film.  It immediately shows you the stakes are high when the couple who arrive first find the board game in a basement room and die. As the rest of the friend group, separated by jobs and life for a decade, start to arrive we learn the histories and hot gossip.  

There is a scene where one of the guys makes their nostalgic concoction of straight vodka and kool-aid mix that made me laugh, because in my twenties I myself "invented" a blended drink with vodka and lemonade mix that's probably similar.  Drunk college students are universal.

One of the women goes exploring this enormous, sprawling house that almost seems bigger on the inside and finds the basement game room.  They find "The Blackening", a racist game apparently from the 1940's where players are invited to prove who amongst them is "the blackest" with a series of cards containing black history trivia.  As the group gathers around it, the killer springs their trap, telling them they must play, or die... like their friends.

What follows is a kill fest worthy of any slasher film.  Betrayal, secrets, hidden love affairs, and a twist.  Stupid decisions to split up.  Comedic moments. It's all there. 

I enjoyed this movie a lot, and while there were callbacks to several films, including Saw and Cabin in the Woods, it has its own unique tale that could become an enduring franchise without running out of material.

There was one "oh shit" moment, and about ten laugh out loud moments (I found the "mindtalking" sequence especially funny) including an appearance by Dietrich Bader (Drew Carey Show) as "Ranger White".  Not an exceptional amount of gore, but it doesn't shy away from it either.  I would watch this again. Four out of five bloody tokens.

You Might Be the Killer (2019) NR

 You Might Be the Killer (2019) NR

Sam's (Fran Kranz, Dollhouse, Blood Sucking Bastards) family-owned summer campground, Camp Clear Vista, is set to reopen for the season, but his camp counselors start dying off one by one in a series of grisly murders.  He turns to his friend Chuck (Alyson Hannigan, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, American Pie) for help, but her unfortunate conclusion is that he might be the killer.

Having been a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Dollhouse, the instant I found out about this film, viewing it was a no-brainer.  It did not disappoint. 

A typical slasher film with a twist, it starts off mid-event, where we see Sam running through the woods for his life.  He stops at a cabin and barricades the door, fumbling with his cell phone to call for help.  Being covered in blood, facial recognition gives him a hard time at first, but eventually it's unlocked and he calls... Chuck, his life-long friend.  She works at a movie, comic, and gaming shop, and has an extensive knowledge of horror movies.  She even asks "Why didn't you call the police?".  Apparently the camp is so isolated and in a quiet area, the sheriff goes to bed at 10pm, and it'd take him a half hour to get there anyway.

As a small-town resident myself, I can relate.  They roll up the sidewalks at 9pm.

The movie then continues as most do with an introduction to the cast of characters that will become cannon fodder for the slasher's blade.  But here's where it gets weird... the movie is told from Sam's point of view, and like most unreliable narrators, he jumps around in time, moving from topic to topic.  Chuck interrupts him with questions, he forgets to mention stuff, etc.  Who can blame him?  He may be one of the last left alive.

Let's just say the timeline gets confusing.  I had to watch it three times, once with commentary, to get the kill order right.  I'm still not sure that I did.  They do use the number of dead counselors to help clue you in as to where you are in the series of events, and sometimes they'll rehash a kill to remind you of who they're talking about.  This may frustrate some viewers, but I thought it was slightly clever, if a strange choice.

As for the killer's identity and motivation, I'll let you find that out for yourself.  Let's just say there's a cursed object, and shenanigans.

At the end of the film, it was a satisfying viewing experience, and I will definitely watch it again in the future. The ending clearly set us up for a sequel, and I certainly hope that comes about, because this was a fun romp with a great cast.

As for how this works for viewing while crafting, I'll let you be the judge.  If you care about keeping the kill order straight, this movie might be too convoluted to watch while you craft.  If you just want blood and guts on a Saturday afternoon while you knit, then it's definitely a good pick.  Two needle dropping moments, two "oh shit!" moments, and no pesky number spouting sequences to throw off your counts.  I give this a four out of five, mostly losing one for the bouncy timeline.  But Fran and Alyson make it a great watch anyway.

 

The Gorge (2025) PG-13

 The Gorge (2025) PG-13

 Two world-class snipers, Drasa (Anya Taylor-Joy) and Levi Cane (Miles Teller) must work together to protect the world from the evil in a remote gorge.

 Assigned by The Employer (Sigourney Weaver) to a one-year solo assignment in a remote guard tower, Levi accepts because he feels he has nothing and no-one to live for.  He didn't realize his counterpart from Eastern Europe would change all that.

Mild spoilers follow.

Surprisingly romantic for a movie about guarding the mouth of hell, this Apple Television original movie also delivered on plenty of action.  A perfect watch on Valentine's Day.  It starts like a Jason Bourne type spy thriller, but slowly morphs into romance, intrigue, and monster filled horror.

Our heroes sit alone in two watch towers over a deep gorge.  Every night, strange beasts called "Hollow Men" after the poem, try to scale the sheer rock face.  Through a series of foolish choices, they end up at the bottom of the crevasse fighting for their lives.

The creatures are suitably creepy.  You could not pay me enough to slither through a tunnel of their dozing bodies.  When they discover the true origins of the nightmare they find themselves in, they hatch a plan to end the menace that threatens the entire planet.

"You bury enough secrets, the graveyard runs out of room." 

Two needle-drop moments, four "oh shit" moments, and one series of numbers that will screw up your stitch counts when they talk about their longest yardage for a kill shot.  Overall, I was very glad my partner mentioned watching this, because it was excellent.  Four out of five stars, one star removed mostly because their cutesy banter via notes and binoculars was a little too adorable considering the situation.  But if you have Prime or Apple+, you should give it a try.

Synchronic (2020) PG-13

 Synchronic (2020) PG-13

Steve (Anthony Mackie) and Dennis (Jamie Dornan), two paramedics and best friends, think they've seen it all while making the rounds in their ambulance.  They had no idea how personal, and strange, it could get.

On the surface, this movie is about designer drugs; people skirting the law on a technicality to get high.  It ends in terrible consequences.  The fact that the writers took this to an almost absurd extreme doesn't change that.  Dig deeper though, and this movie is about connection, and sacrifice for your chosen "family".

Semi-spoilers ahead.

I will warn you, there is a scene where a dog doesn't exactly die, but is lost.  I could feel it coming, and blubbered like a baby when it finally happened.  If this is something that will affect your enjoyment of this film, you've been warned.

Ultimately, this is a time travel film.  A new designer drug, Synchronic, disconnects the user from linear time for seven minutes.  What time you travel to depends on precise geographical location when the drug kicks in.  The paramedics are just cleaning up the aftermath without thinking too much about it until Dennis' teenage daughter, Brianna (Ally Ioannides) disappears from a friend's roof.

Steve slowly starts to pick up on the drug's strange effects, and having received a terrible diagnosis from his doctor, feels he has nothing to lose by experimenting with the pharmaceutical in an attempt to track down and rescue his friend's daughter.

There are some side stories that add a little flavor, such as the story of the chemist who created the drug, and the effects Brianna's disappearance has on Dennis' marriage, but neither were as important as Dennis' story of he and Steve taking a call during hurricane Katrina, and Steve coming upon the scene of his parents' and little sister's coffins displaced by storm waters.  You see flashes of it throughout the film, but it isn't explained until near the end.  The story illustrates Steve's character in a way that builds on why he makes his choices in the end.

The movie itself is sometimes non-linear.  Flashbacks are not always precisely "marked" as such so that you recognize them immediately.  Dennis especially is affected by this, when he encounters places and objects that remind him of his missing child.  It lends to the surreal quality of the film which I enjoyed.

Since I am a survivor of Hurricane Katrina, and have had a terrible medical diagnosis of my own, this movie hit me very hard.  I'm not sure I would have reacted as strongly to the emotional beats if I had been someone else. 

 Yet even with all that, the ending was unsatisfying and a bit of an eye-roll inducer.  It felt like the movie's "rules" weren't adhered to, making the ending ultimately fall flat. 

I didn't knit a project during this film, as I was pressed for time and didn't want to spend the beginning distracted by setting up a new project.  There was one "holy crap" moment, and a few spots where spoken numbers could screw up project counts, but overall this would be an excellent movie to watch while making or crafting.

Ultimately, if you're a fan of the time travel genre, this is a decent entry.  It is not a light-hearted film though, and deals with some heavy subjects.  It's thought provoking, and has some very striking visuals.  I recommend it, but be prepared to feel introspective and sad when it's done.  Four out of Five stars. 

Arcadian (2024) NR

 Arcadian (2024) NR 

 

A single father (Nicholas Cage) raises his twin sons (Jaeden Martell, Maxwell Jenkins) in a post-apocalyptic world invaded by non-sentient aliens.

Recent events have gotten me back into movie watching mode, and what better genre to start with than horror?  Everyone loves a good alien invasion flick, but somehow this one managed to disappoint.  Semi-spoilers ahead.

The creatures were original in a way, kind of a cross between a duck, snapping turtle, and great ape.  They were disturbing, especially while consuming their prey, but unfortunately there wasn't enough tension built up around the creatures, as most of the focus seemed to be on the twin boys' coming of age story in a apocalyptic future.  Nicholas Cage, while being the focus of all the promotional materials, is largely absent for 80% of the flick.  I felt sorry for the brother who had to spend the night alone in a barricaded house just because his brother was horny for the girl next door.

Instead of treating the aliens as a villain to be conquered, the main problem the brothers had was their relationship with their father and each other, and that could have been handled in a more satisfying way as well.  Instead we're treated to a maudlin, not very emotionally convincing funeral and childish bickering.  The ending was sadly flat and neither hopeful, nor bleak.  Just bland.

Using my old metrics, there were two "oh shit" moments in the film, one with flying bugs, and one with a slip and fall with terrible consequences.  Two spots had counting in them that could throw a knitter or crocheter off their stride, involving the countdown for "ten second end of the world" otherwise not much to trip you up there.

My project was a pair of toe up, worsted weight socks that is very close to completion.

Overall, if you just want noise in the background and are running low on new things to watch, it will help you pass the time.  But I wouldn't go looking for something deep or moving within it.

The Last Man on the Moon (2014) TV-PG

 The Last Man on the Moon (2014) TV-PG

Not to be confused with the motion picture dramatization from 2016, this documentary takes a nostalgic look back with Gene Cernan, the last man to step foot on the moon during the Apollo missions.

Like any documentary, it has its good points and bad points.  I loved the Apollo era footage, the party photos, and Cernan's reminiscing with his pilot buddy.  I could have done without the long, mournful shots of the now run-down space center in Houston.  Yes, nobody wants to fund the space program anymore, and it sucks.  I loved the real life footage and photos of Jim Lovell after watching Apollo 13 yesterday.

As a maker's movie, this is great.  Narration and conversation are always good for me to knit to, and this movie had plenty of that.  Be sure to pop your head up once in a while, especially for the '60s era party photos, because those folks sure seemed to have fun while keeping it G rated.

Three laugh out loud moments, especially when he's ribbing his buddy about their old test-pilot days, or the old pilot who said the only reason to fly a helicopter that low was to check out some bikinis.  One eye-roll moment where the director seemed to emphasize a sad moment unnecessarily.  It was exploitative.

Three out of five stars.  I started to get sleepy towards the last half hour which is never good.  Check it out on Netflix if you have an interest in the space program.

Apollo 13 (1995) PG

A dramatization of the real-life events of the Apollo 13 moon mission.  Tom Hanks as Jim Lovell, Bill Paxton as Fred Haise, Kevin Bacon as Jack Swigert, and Gary Sinise as Ken Mattingly.

I guess it's theme week again here on Knitter's Media Reviews... this time it's space.   It was almost going to be a Kubrick filled week, since I have the triple feature version of "2001", but as you might remember from yesterday's review, I am not a fan.  I decided to be kind to myself in 2017.

It's an exciting movie to be sure... how much of it is fact, and how much of it is fiction or exaggeration is for you to decide.  I know having lived in and around Houston for several years, it's highly plausible when the whole region is steeped in the space center culture.  You drive by the massive building, or take the tour, and watching films like this one take on a whole new meaning.

Despite having seen this before, there were a few "holy crap" moments when explosions take you by surprise.  Not a lot of laughs in this one, and only a borderline eye roll when they had to work in the daughter being despondent over the breakup of the Beatles.  Yes, we get that it was 1970, can we move on?

As a maker's movie, it satisfies.  There are stretches of conversation or waiting that don't require your eyes if you need to watch your hands.

Definitely one for the action film lover, or anyone who's fascinated by the space program.  Again, DVD prices are so low lately that adding to your collection (if you have the... space... no pun intended) seems like a no-brainer.  Four out of five stars.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) G

An otherworldly strange black monolith influences Earth's sentient development.

This is not the first time I've seen this movie, but it is the first time I stayed awake through the whole thing.  Let's face it, Kubrick is in love with himself and his own work and refuses to edit.  I can think of at least an hour of footage that could have been cut from this movie without affecting its story or its impact except for the better.  I mean, once you see primitive ape/man figure out how to use his first tool, do we really need to see gobbets of meat hanging from his jaws?  Did the panning through space need to be quite so slow?  And what about that psychedelic trip near the end?  THAT could have been at least two minutes shorter.

For knitters, this is a dream movie.  You can get a lot done through these interminably long glamor shots, and I even knitted through the intro, intermission, and exit music.  Yes, the blu-ray version includes the blank, black screens played in theaters with a provided classical score.

Zero reaction counts, unless you count the OMG moment I had when I realized the actor who played Frank was the same actor in the original Star Trek episode "Where No Man Has Gone Before".  His voice was bugging me from the beginning, and then I made the connection to the character Gary Mitchell.  You know, typecast, because he has a background in space acting.

Overall, I give this a three out of five stars.  I really, really should ding it more as a movie because of his long-windedness, but since it's such a good movie to craft to, I'll be generous.  Single disc blu-ray transfer here, but it's also available in a blu-ray Kubrick triple feature pack that includes "A Clockwork Orange" (once Rick Springfield's favorite movie) and "The Shining", which even Stephen King detested.  Allegedly.  Add it to your collection if you're ready to see what the sixties thought the future would be like, puffy-helmeted stewardesses and all.

 

The Spirit of Christmas (2005) TV-PG

Tasked with Selling the Hollygrove Inn before the New Year, lawyer Kate (Jen Lilley) runs into problems when she meets the Inn's dashing and reclusive ninety-five year old ghost (Thomas Beaudoin) who is confined to the Inn and cursed to be corporeal during the twelve days of Christmas.

Overall this ended up being an adorable supernatural love story with a dash of murder mystery built in.  Unfortunately, I found Lilley to be too soft and adorable to portray the tough and savvy lawyer she was supposed to be, and Beaudoin seemed stiff and stilted trying to act like a gentleman from the twenties, and not because of culture differences.  It was like he had trouble speaking formally.  And the actors portraying the other ghosts were terrible, like... high-school theater terrible.  Thankfully we do not see them often.

However, in the end it is a story worth seeing if you like romance.

As a maker's movie, it depends on what you're working on.  I got quite a bit done on the Christmas gift I've been knitting on.  It's a dialogue-rich movie, and the snowy countryside is not very distracting.  The period costumes in the flashbacks were bland.

Four out of five stars.  The acting needed work, even though the story was adorable and interesting.  Three laugh out loud moments; especially noteworthy was the break-up scene at the beginning.  One eyeroll when even I thought the romance was a little treacly.  At this price point, however, if you want to add to your holiday movies and round out your romance section, this is certainly a fine choice.  Available on Netflix, as a DVD, or on Amazon video.

 

Netflix Original: Spectral (2016) TV-14

A unit of soldiers in a war-torn country start falling prey to an enemy they can't see and can't combat with conventional weapons.  It takes a scientist from DARPA (James Badge Dale, Rubicon) and a CIA analyst (Emily Mortimer, Shutter Island) to go in and assess the situation, identify the enemy, and stop it before it spreads beyond the confines of the battlefield.

Soldiers just keeping the peace for America start getting wiped out by what appears to be ghosts of the dead.  They can't fight them, they can't run from them, and can't hide from something that can walk through walls.  So they bring in the scientist that helped them create the technology that allowed them to see this spectral enemy in the first place in an attempt to isolate and contain the threat.  They ended up facing a force that they were not ready to combat by conventional means.

This is a beautifully shot and produced movie.  The costuming, acting, and effects are all top-notch, and it's stunning to watch.  Unfortunately in the last half hour, I found my interest fading.  Even the cinematography couldn't keep me watching, which was actually great for my knitting... I got several inches of my hat done for a Christmas gift.

I think the problem was that we just kept hitting high points, climaxes, with characters falling left and right, and by the time you get down to the last twenty minutes, you just really don't care anymore what happens with these people, or what's causing the specters.  Like shell shock, you're just numb and waiting for it to be over.

One eyeroll at the end.  These two people suddenly have these big emotions that seem to come from nowhere.  Two holy crap moments because the specters are badass killing machines.  I dropped my needles twice in the middle for combat scenes that were frenetic and stylistic, but brutal.  Not a lot of blood, though, if that's a concern.

Three and a half stars.  It would have been higher but like I said, by the last half hour I was saying "Why aren't we done with this yet?". 

Shakespeare In Love (1998) R

In this wild imagining of Shakespeare's (Joseph Fiennes) days writing "Romeo and Juliet", William falls in love with Viola DeLesseppes  (Gwyneth Paltrow), a shop-keeper's daughter destined to wed Lord Wessex (Colin Firth).

Can a play show us the true nature of love?  That is the bet in this movie between the Queen and Lord Wessex.  Set in Shakespearean England, this tale takes us on a romantic journey between The Bard and Lady Viola.  She comes to him dressed as a boy, but her true nature is revealed, and thus begins the romance.

If you know Shakespeare, you will still be fascinated by the screen.  The costumes are amazing.  The twists between the everyday words, and his poetic translation into the play, are magical.

You know what?  Fuck it, it's a great movie.  Paltrow's accent doesn't even make me cringe, and that's saying something.

For makers, it depends on your discipline.  If you're a costume geek, you're going to be transfixed.  If you're a fan of the written word, you may still struggle, but it's easier to watch your hands.

Just watch it ladies.  And if your man has half a brain, he'll follow right along with you and love it, because that's what it's all about.  Love, and a journey.

At least seven laugh out loud moments.  You may drop your knitting needles during the fight scenes, especially towards the end.  Five stars.  Don't ask me to define them, but they're there.  And if you don't add this to your rom-com collection, you're fortune's fool.

The Rebound (2009) R

When she catches her husband cheating on her with a neighbor, a newly divorced Sandy (Catherine Zeta-Jones) finds herself in New York with two kids and no help.  She hires coffee shop clerk Aram (Justin Bartha) to be her nanny, but a romance soon develops and things get complicated.

I expected this to be either one of two things... that it would focus on the steamy sex, or be a treacly, preachy exploration of why a May-December romance with the woman being the older party is wrong.  I was pleasantly surprised to find out it was neither.  Instead it was an exploration of a love story that starts out with bad timing.

Another pleasant surprise is that there were many, many laugh out loud moments.  More than ten for me.  Sandy's first date after her divorce with the chiropractor (John Schneider) was hilariously cringe-worthy.  A couple of holy crap moments too, mostly related to her precocious and slightly outspoken children.

Four and a half out of five stars.  A movie is seldom perfect, but I could really relate to this one at this time in my life, and it comes darn close to being perfect.  Some comedic moments were slightly over the top, so I dinged it half a star.   If you want to add it to your shelf of Rom-Coms, the price point is pretty good and it's definitely worth a look.

Michael Che Matters (2016) TV-MA

Michael Che offers up his views on a wide variety of subjects, most of which are hilarious.

As a Netflix original show, this has the production value I've come to expect.  I went into this having never before heard of this particular comic, but I was not disappointed.

There are some topics he covers that some people will find offensive.  Jesus in particular, and religion in general.  Maybe the discussion of the N-word.  You can either let it roll off your back and relax and enjoy the rest, or you can take great offense and grumble.  Your choice.  But why go through life angry?


Just watch for that gorilla rapture.  And speculate as to whether Michael, Nick, and Paul ever went to that strip club.

Four out of five stars.  Way too many laugh out loud moments to tally up.  The bit about carpentry and Jesus was pretty good, but I didn't care for the rest of the religious content.  The parts about cat-calling, porn, and your children were spot-on.  For makers, standup comedy is always great because there's rarely any visuals you need to pay attention to.  However I did enjoy spotting the reactions of the warmup band behind him when he said something particularly good.  That, and poor Nick's face when asking what kind of porn he watches.  Good thing he was not on a date.

Fire this up if you need a serious hour to devote to your crafting, it will keep your brain amused.

Sliding Doors (1998) PG-13

Helen (Gwyneth Paltrow) has been fired from her job at a swanky PR firm in London.  The simple closing of a train door determines her future, and we see both timelines play out.  Will she make it home in time to catch her cheating boyfriend Gerry?  Or will she be late, get mugged, and come home to a sympathetic Gerry who tries to turn over a new leaf?

Let's get the biggest problem out of the way first.  I don't like Paltrow's accent in this, at all.  I've heard her do it beautifully before in Shakespeare in Love, I just don't get why she sounds so awkward here.  Maybe it's modern vs. Shakespearean language, who knows?  It's off-putting at first, but once you get past it, this is a lovely film, especially for fans of time travel and stories about the effects of one random choice.

In both of Helen's timelines she crosses paths with James (John Hannah), a kind and funny man who seems to have a secret of his own.  I really can't say much more because the two timelines are so intertwined with similar events, that to spoil one is to spoil the other.

As a romantic comedy, it satisfies.  The two timelines are easily distinguished as we flip between them, so even a newbie would be able to follow.  As a maker's movie, it is also satisfactory, with swaths of witty dialogue that don't need to be seen to be appreciated.

Four out of five stars.  Maybe if Helen didn't say "bollocks" quite so often, Paltrow's accent wouldn't be nearly so off-putting.  As it stands, that's what dinged it one star for me.  An excellent film to add to your shelf of date movies at this price point.

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (2009) PG-13

Connor Mead  (Matthew McConaughy) is a fashion photographer who breaks hearts in the manner he was taught by his uncle Wayne (Michael Douglas), a now-deceased famous international playboy and ladies' man.  When he meets up with his childhood sweetheart Jenny (Jennifer Garner) at his little brother's wedding, and he ruins everything, he is visited by three ghosts... girlfriends past, present, and future.

I didn't intend for this to be a theme this week, yet thanks to a roommate, once again we are revisiting the classic Charles Dickens tale, but this time with a romantic twist.  Instead of chastising him for his treatment of all mankind, he's being taught a lesson for how he treats women and the value of true love.

As a crafter's movie, it's excellent.  Dialogue-rich, you can pay plenty of attention to your current project.  The humor, and the well-researched trips back to the 80's and 90's make it interesting and amusing.  The only problem I had with it was that this man was so deeply, unashamedly using women for his own hedonistic desires, I found his sudden turnaround very unbelievable.  Not all that behavior can be explained by a broken heart at a seventh grade dance and a debauched father figure.

Well, it's entertainment.  Maybe I should just try to let it go.  Four out of five stars.  Their extended love story is cute, and ultimately endearing.  I just wish they hadn't blamed a young girl for his lifetime spent on the crappy treatment of women.

Scrooged (1988) PG-13

Bill Murray is a lonely, bitter TV executive who schedules a live version of Dicken's A Christmas Carol on Christmas eve.  He is visited by three brutally honest ghosts who show him the true meaning of Christmas.

If you can't watch Sir Patrick Stewart in the classic-style enactment of the original A Christmas Carol, then this is an excellent substitute.  I say watch both, but you may not have the time.  Filled with slapstick comedy and Bill Murray's usual surreal improvised bits, this is an hilarious re-imagining of the classic with an upbeat ending.

For the knitters out there, it's not bad if you're struggling to get your knitted gifts finished before the big day.  While there are some action sequences and tender moments that should be watched, there are some dialogue-heavy scenes that are helpful if you need to watch your hands while you work.

Plenty of laugh out loud moments, especially when Carole Kane makes her appearance as the ghost of Christmas Present.  You may drop your needles for the action when Elliot takes a shotgun into the office, but otherwise this is an excellent film.  The effects may be a bit dated, but the sentiment behind the story is real, and fitting with the holiday season.

Available on Netflix for right now, or you can add it to your holiday film collection for a decent price point.

2016 NaNoWriMo Hiatus

I forgot to mention today that from now until the end of November I will be taking a brief hiatus to participate in National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo.

For those of you unfamiliar with the program, it's a one-month dash to finish a 50k word manuscript, which works out to 1,667 words per day.  Since American Thanksgiving falls right before the deadline, I round up my daily word count goals to 2,000 so I can hopefully finish before I have to start prepping for the holiday.  It's hard work and I don't want to dilute my efforts, so I'll be taking a short break from the movie reviews.

Have a wonderful November, and I'll see you December 1st!

Resident Evil (2002) R

A militarized corporate security squad enter a secret underground facility to shut down a malfunctioning AI computer system after a lab accident that exposes hundreds of scientists to a reanimation virus.

The word "zombie" is never used in conjunction with the Resident Evil films, and yet I still consider the franchise to contain my favorite zombie films of all time.  We have a strong female protagonist who (at least in this film) owes her abilities to nothing more than training and intelligence... as far as we know.  We get a concise plot that has depth but is still easy to follow.  Frankly I find the films more enjoyable than the games they are based on, and I've played a lot of zombie games.  My dislike of the games isn't distaste for the genre, but we're not here to review the games.

The first in the quintet of Resident Evil films can be a bit clunky.  I can't tell if the atrocious computer graphics are to pay homage to the original game, or if they were on a seriously tight budget, but the Red Queen and any computer maps look seriously dated.  Like early '90s dated.  This is fine as an homage to the original game, but does not hold up well on film.

The first twenty or so minutes of the movie also seems slow and pointless... it's only at the end where memories are regained and the cause of events becomes clear that the necessity of the beginning being the way it is makes sense.  After that, it picks up.

This movie is not terribly heavy with gloppy gore, but there is some.  The reanimated scientists are sufficiently creepy on their own, and the addition later of the reanimated dobermans and experimental mutating beings just adds to the creep factor.

Good for the later hours of an all-night Halloween fright fest, when the pre-teens have gone to bed, you'll find that crafting during this movie works pretty well... you can drop your needles when you want to pay attention to the screen, and concentrate furiously on your hands if you don't like looking at gore.

Four and a half out of five stars.  The CGI tongues of the creatures look pretty bad, considering the era it was made, and the setup for the second film deflates the ending somewhat, otherwise this is a great action horror flick for older viewers.  There are several series sets out there now with three, four, and five films in them, so be sure to check carefully if you're deciding to purchase them as a set instead of individually, or use my links below.

 

Tremors (1990) PG

The isolated town of Perfection just found out that the humans living thereare not alone in the valley.

Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Michael Gross, and Reba McEntire (in her acting debut) star in this story about a small, isolated town in the desert named Perfection that suddenly finds itself the center of monster activity.  These creatures they named "graboids" listen for the slightest vibration, chase it down, and eat it.  Can the handful of residents survive?

As I was watching this mild horror flick for the umpteenth time my daughter asked "Why do we love this movie so much?"  It's been our favorite go-to late-night movie for many years, and one I wasn't afraid to show her even when she was a pre-teen (F-bombs and gloppy deaths not withstanding).  For one thing, it's funny.  Kevin Bacon has always been adorably charming in nearly everything he's in, and this movie is no exception.  Ward, Gross, and McEntire play quintessential small-town characters, but they're not complete caricatures, just real.  Okay, Burt Gummer (Gross) is a bit over the top, but in this case that adds to the humor.

For another thing, this story is original.  It's not a remake, it's not a re-imagining of some 19th century literary bugaboo, and it's like nothing we've seen before.  That alone earns it a lot of points in my book.

I've watched this over twenty times, but it still earned five laugh out loud moments from me today.  If this is your first viewing, it might earn you even more.

Five stars.  I might have dinged it down to four and a half for Gross' slightly over-the-top survivalist portrayal and the almost audible statement by the actress that plays Valentine's (Bacon) love interest that she will only do nudity if it's integral to the plot, but these things are minor and I can find no other faults.  It's family friendly, if you don't mind the language, and perfect for a Halloween fright-fest with the older kids who are too young for slasher flicks.

Spies Like Us (1985) PG

Chevy Chase and Dan Ackroyd star in this screwball comedy about two government spies who are really, really bad at their job... but still manage to avert WWIII.

It's been a while since I've seen a Chevy Chase comedy (not counting Community), and I'd forgotten how idiotic his films can sometimes be... but idiotic in a good way.  The scene where he's taking the GS-20 exam with the eye patch is nonsensical and hilarious.  It's too bad I always get the feeling he's visually measuring every female cast member for the casting couch, which gives him a smarmy, raunchy aftertaste that sometimes puts me off.

Dan Ackroyd is, as always, a gem... managing to make intelligent, technical dialogue funny.

For makers, this is an excellent film, as the humor translates very well if you're only listening (with the exception of the early test scene that is essentially 85% slapstick).  There are also long dry stretches involving convoluted cloak and dagger with the bureaucrats back home, which frankly don't need to be followed very closely.

Several laugh out loud moments, and only one eye roll as the hapless spies try to perform an appendectomy using a book.  Three and a half stars, but only because the Reagan jokes aren't really funny anymore, and those long stretches focusing on the bureaucrats back in the states are rather dull and oh so serious.

Fire this up if it's an old favorite and you want something you don't have to think too hard about.  At this price point, it's worth adding a cultish-classic to your '80s collection.

Independence Day: Resurgence (2016) PG-13

 

 Independence Day: Resurgence (2016) PG-13

Twenty years to the day after their first incursion, the aliens are back, and this time they've brought their queen.  Will Smith (Actor), Jeff Goldblum (Actor), Roland Emmerich (Director)

As a sequel this movie did a lot of things it was supposed to do... it retained the spirit and emotional resonance of the first, it included as many of the previous actors as was feasible, and did call-backs to memorable moments.  They even included another scene with a dog in peril.

The problem with this is that the original was also glossy and skimmed the surface.  With so many characters and sequences of events, there is no depth.  The script does a fantastic job with imparting a lot of details about these people and their lives, but I challenge you to care about just one of them in anything more than just a superficial way.  The guy gets a date with the Chinese pilot.  The bureaucrat learns to fight.  The two pilots reunite at the end, and Levinson's dad gets to kvetch.  Do we care?  Meh.

If you enjoyed the first movie, you will enjoy the second movie... there is no question.  However if you're looking for a movie that makes you think, or might change or inspire the world, this isn't it... and sometimes that's okay.

Ten laugh out loud moments mostly from snappy comebacks, one holy crap moment, and a ground-breaking combination eyeroll and lol moment when Jake takes a piss on the aliens' deck.  As a diversion, I guess it worked.

It has stunning visuals reminiscent of the first film, and even after twenty years the aliens are as creepy as ever.  I just wish I cared about the people that populate the film just a tad more.  Four stars, eh... three and a half.

Major League (1989) R

The new former-showgirl owner of the Cleveland Indians wants to move the team to Miami, but has a contract with the city that states she can't break it until attendance drops below a certain level, so she puts together a team of has-beens and misfits she thinks is sure to lose.  They set out to show her they've got what it takes to win.

Following our sports theme this week, this is a cast of steady stars and then up-and-comers, much like the baseball lineup they portray.  Corbin Bernsen, Renee Russo, and Tom Berenger who were all steadily working names in that era contrasted by Charlie Sheen and Wesley Snipes, both of whom went on to steady careers (and troubles) later, but who were just getting started then.

It is said that this film captures the essence of the interior workings of America's pastime in a solid comedy, and while I can agree with that, I also feel it flags in the third act.  Maybe because I know how it ends, by the final game scenes I just couldn't muster up the excitement of "will they or won't they win?"

As a background for makers, this is a solid choice.  You might miss some amusing facial expressions and good-luck gestures, but it's largely follow-able without needing to study the screen every second.  If you can craft to a regular baseball game and know the score, you'll do just fine with this film.

However, as a film itself I give it only three stars.  I found the romance between Russo and Berenger lukewarm at best, and didn't really feel it added to the film at all except as padding.  The rest was macho posturing and a glimpse at the effects of sudden fame, when I would have rather watched them on the field.  What can I say?  I like baseball.  If I want to see girls throwing themselves at guys in a bar, I've got three within walking distance.

But there are many solid laugh out loud moments, and the athleticism is fun to watch.  Enough to make this an excellent choice to add to your sports collection at this price point.

xXx (2002) PG-13

An extreme athlete with a bad habit of punishing senators by stealing their cars and jumping them off bridges gets shanghaied into infiltrating a Czech anarchist group bent on demolishing the world's governments with bio-weapons.

This movie is what the James Bond franchise would be if he started out as a disrespectful tattooed thug.  Um, wait...

The first time I saw this movie back in 2005 I wasn't terribly impressed.  The humor was a little weak, the villains just a bit too stereotypical, and it really wasn't apparent what a threat this group was until very late into the picture.  It's grown on me, however, since the introduction of Daniel Craig's version of Bond.  There's a definite feel to this film, and you get the sense that we were making a bid for our own American Bond knock-off.  It was just a touch too early, and promoted poorly.

In any event, as a background movie for makers, it rocks if you like action pictures.  We have gadgets, explosions, Samuel L. Jackson, and classic cars.  Not a lot of exposition, and a smidge of romance added in, although I could do without the skanky stripper chicks, and prefer the angry Czech intelligence woman who looks like she could have been an extra vampire in Blade.

Two generic laugh out loud moments (probably when someone was being extra snarky) and one holy crap moment when someone dies a surprisingly sudden death.  Three and a half stars, and that's after I warmed up to it.  This originally came out when we were just getting to know Vin Diesel, and I don't think he'd really gotten the acting thing down just yet.  His love for pictures involving American muscle cars is very evident, though, and you can just see the glimmer of what's to come.

It's on Netflix for a short time longer, otherwise you can add the disc to your action collection at a very reasonable price point.

Point Break (2015) PG-13

A pro dirt-bike daredevil quits the circuit after the death of his riding partner and joins the FBI just in time to catch a batch of eco-terrorist criminals who rob and pillage American companies around the globe.

They kept all the character names, and tried to preserve the adrenaline junkie spirit of the original film (and the scene where Utah shoots his gun in the air in frustration.  Why?  Who knows?) but in the end this film left me feeling flat and uninterested most of the time.  Maybe it's because the actors are younger, but I had a hard time telling most of Bohdi's crew apart.  They kept all the nicknames... Roach, Grommet, Chowder... but all played by Venezualans.  What?

Pappas was reduced from Gary Busey's amusing sidekick role in the original to a mere prop with a french accent in this remake, which I found annoying.  Utah's floppy hair and extreme ink made me struggle to take him seriously as an agent in law enforcement, and the only highlights for me really were some of the gorgeous scenery and the appearance of Teresa Palmer who I recently enjoyed in Warm Bodies.

As a crafter's movie, however, this was pretty good.  I found my knitting energized during the extreme sports sequences, although the chase and gunplay scenes tended to make me pause.  Try to do your crafting without looking at your hands, or you'll miss some amazing vistas.  As a film I give this about three stars.  Not terrible, but definitely not the best... and certainly no replacement for the original.  But if you enjoy sports films or extreme sports in general, this is not a bad thing to have running in the background while you make something.

Point Break (1991) R

An up and coming FBI hotshot is tasked with infiltrating a bank robbery crew comprised of surfers, and he gets a lot more than he bargained for.

A baby-faced Keanu Reeves (Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, John Wick) and hirsute Patrick Swayze (Dirty Dancing) star in this undercover action flick that seems to have been written for adrenaline junkies. You've got your stereo-typical screaming cop-boss, the aging partner (Gary Busey) who does things the old way and is close to retirement, and the pair of agents who share your stakeout that hate your guts.  Throw in the 80's/90's near-seeming requirement to flash boobs for an R rating, and it's your classic cop movie from my era.  Pair it up with Eddie Murphy's Beverly Hills Cop and Richard Dreyfuss' Stakeout and you've got a classic triple feature.

For makers this is an okay film, as there are stretches of dialogue and research that don't need your eyes to be enjoyed, but you will drop your needles for the skydiving and car chase scenes.  Possibly also the surfing, as the water is beautiful.

One eye roll when Reeves is earnestly trying to win over Lori Petty and a laugh out loud moment when he tells his boss he takes the skin off chicken.  Four and a half stars, but that may be nostalgia talking.  When this movie was new in theaters and dinosaurs roamed the earth I always felt it was written for adrenaline junkie thrill seekers and not meant to be enjoyed by a larger audience.  I've warmed to it in recent years.

Fantastic if you want to craft to something that reminds you of your glory days, or want some pretty scenery to look at.

Paycheck (2003) PG-13

What would you do to see the future?  And what would you do to change or protect it?

A reverse-engineering expert routinely takes jobs and his memory is erased afterward... the ultimate non-disclosure guarantee... but on his latest job, instead of a paycheck, he received an envelope of mysterious everyday items.  Now he has to use these items to figure out why people are trying to kill him.

Perhaps it's inevitable that I will continually compare and contrast Ben Affleck and Matt Damon... no matter how hard they try they will be forever linked in the memories of those of us old enough to remember "Good Will Hunting" and the Oscars.  Unfortunately in such a comparison, Affleck continually comes off as smug, smarmy, and arrogant, in contrast to Damon's sincere earnestness, and this film is no exception.  Pair that with Uma Thurman being constantly pushed into our face as some kind of epitome of beauty, and this should be a movie I cannot stand.

The concept, however, manages to overcome all that... mostly.

A laugh out loud moment with Affleck's crossed fingers, and an eye roll moment at the question mark, but otherwise this is a straight-up mystery action flick with a futuristic twist.  This is a great film for makers provided you don't get distracted too often by hand to hand combat and gun play.

Four out of five stars... those smug faces at the cocktail party are just enough to ruin it for me, but enjoyable as background filler if you're into tech or second chances.

Iliza: Confirmed Kills (2016) TV-MA

Iliza Shlesinger's standup Chicago special about millennials, grandpa's war stories, feminism, and the stupidity of a grown adult wanting to be a mermaid.

If feminism pisses you off, don't watch this unless you like getting pissed off.  I found her show to be a wonderful mixture of humor, TED talk, and Shark Tank review.  Liberally peppered with hashtags.  Hilarious hashtags.

So tell your party goblin to go read her Teen Beat, this is fantastic for crafting to, although you might drop your needles once or twice while laughing too hard.  Ten counted laugh out loud moments, and one was a hearty belly laugh that lasted a good ten or fifteen seconds.

Four and a half stars.  Since I don't watch Shark Tank, the last bit was over my head, but she's a terrific actress who flows in and out of her characters well.  Fire this up on Netflix if you have an hour to knit and laugh.

Trading Places (1983) R

A managing stock broker and street-hustling con-man end up trading lives on a bet set up by two rich men.  Dan Ackroyd, Eddie Murphy, Jamie Lee Curtis

If this wasn't already filmed in the '80s, it would be the perfect farcical representation of the decade, right down to the framed picture of Reagan on the Dukes' desk and Curtis' chunky geometric earrings.  By all means, go topless to go to bed, but never, ever remove the earrings.  It's not like they're uncomfortable or anything.

You will either love, or hate, this movie.  You will either love the screwball comedy, or get angry at the machinations of two rich, bored, old white guys.  It is, however, completely chock-full of funny moments, and featured a lot of talent that went on to become famous in their own right.

Younger viewers who missed the '80s may be shocked at Eddie Murphy's then less squeaky clean performance, and it does show how much he cleaned up his act after becoming a parent. 

Eight laugh out loud moments, but a stretch of boredom in the middle where it sags.  An eyeroll at the fate of Clarence Beeks (Paul Gleason, The Breakfast Club) and another at the typical antics of Jim Belushi.  Does he ever not play a drunken frat boy?

As a movie for makers, this is excellent, as you can concentrate on your work during that sluggish middle act, and the only sight gags come near the end (although Ackroyd eating salmon through his Santa beard on the train is an indicator of how far he's fallen by that point).  Four stars (the relentless topless-ness was unnecessary and probably to secure their R rating, which was considered a financial money-recouping requirement during that era).  Put this on when you're in the mood for funny, but don't want to have to concentrate every minute.