Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Dark House (2009)

Dark House (2009) - Part of the Fangoria Frightfest series, this horror film plays out the story of Claire (Meghan Ory, "Once Upon a Time"), a young actress who survived a horrific event at Darrode House fourteen years ago.  Haunted House magnate Walston Ray (Jeffrey Combs, "Reanimator", "Star Trek Deep Space Nine") is looking to turn Darrode House into his latest award-winning
attraction complete with impressive holographic monsters.  Since Claire's therapist insists that if she returns to Darrode House, she'll remember that day and find closure, Claire agrees to join the group of young actors working the attraction thinking she'll feel safer in a group.  Little do they know that some of the horrors in Darrode house are real.

Setting aside the fact that the panic-stricken, anxiety-ridden Claire couldn't open the gate to the house's yard yesterday, and now can blithely take two journalists on a tour of the whole house without blinking hard today, there's a lot of crapola going on in this film.

I won't go very deep into the plot, because quite frankly it's not that deep to begin with.  It was shot in eighteen days, and it shows.  The story is a trifle predictable and cliche, they mix practical physical special effects and CGI in the same film which never looks right, and the characters are a bit flat.

There were three laugh out loud moments at clever lines like "More bugs than Windows Vista".  I did drop my crochet hook once to watch the action somewhere in the middle, but I couldn't tell you what caught my attention.  I did have two eyeroll moments, one at the absurd computer breakdown (for a state of the art, next gen computer, the graphics were complete crap on the admin screen... Malicious Process, indeed) and the House matron committing suicide by sticking her hand in the garbage disposal.

Let me tell you something about garbage disposals people... they are not deadly.  They contain no sharp parts.  At worst, you will bruise or break a finger.  You know how on a regular sink drain you get bits of food clogging the screen, so you twirl your finger around to move the food through and clear the clog?  That's all a garbage disposal is... a twirling mechanical finger.  The only real way one could kill you is if you flipped the switch with drippy wet hands and electrocuted yourself.

This movie gets a two out of five stars from me.  A flamboyant Jeffrey Combs is always fun to watch, and some of the creatures were nicely creepy and gave me some goosebumps.  After all, this is not meant to be Shakespeare.  However, the things that bug me about this movie will always bug me, and keep me from enjoying even a second viewing.  If you're bored some Halloween night, stream it on Netflix or something because it does have nice atmosphere, but if you're looking to purchase something for your collection, I'd give it a pass unless you have to own everything that stars Jeffrey Combs.

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