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Saturday, March 29, 2025

Heart Eyes (2025) R

 Heart Eyes (2025) R

 

A sinister killer is killing couples across the country on Valentine's Day... Boston, Philadelphia, and now Seattle. Advertising executive Ally (Olivia Holt, Totally Killer) and the new guy who wants to take her job, Jay Simmonds (Mason Gooding, Fall) find themselves in the killer's crosshairs after a Valentine's Day work dinner where she ran into her ex and asked Jay to play along as her boyfriend.  Can they survive this slasher's rampage of terror?

 This movie tries to be two things at once... a romantic comedy, and a slasher film.  In doing so, it's a watered down version of either.  There is probably a way to make the two genres mesh, but this movie did not deliver.  The romance was too cutesy and over the top, and the slasher portion suffered from its frequent intrusion. 

It's very hard to take either half seriously when the best friend literally chains together the titles of what must be 20 different romance movies at the end, passing it off as conversation.  I'm sure the writer thought they were very clever, but it just highlighted how jarring aspects of this movie were shoehorned together.

Despite two eyeroll moments, there were three laugh out loud moments, including a wayward vibrator that Ally tried to hide.  I did end up scrolling my phone somewhere in the middle while they were at the police station, but it picked up again in a little bit.

The "twist" is predictable.  The kills are actually inventive and fun, but they immediately have their impact lessened by Ally and Jay making goo goo eyes at each other and spouting goofball dialogue.  I'd watch it again, but only on Valentine's Day to highlight my aggravation at the holiday.  Three out of five bloody reusable straws.  It's worth a watch, but I wouldn't pay too much for it.

 

Saturday, March 22, 2025

John Carter (2012) PG-13

John Carter (2012) PG-13

 

 Civil War vet John Carter (Taylor Kitsch, Big Bang Club) is mysteriously transported to Mars, where he discovers a strange landscape full of unusual, four-armed inhabitants. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter the beautiful Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins, The Merchant of Venice), who needs his help.

This Disney movie based on the Edgar Rice Burroughs novella "A Princess of Mars" is counted as one of the most expensive movies of its time, with a budget of 306.6 million dollars. No doubt this is due to large crowds of CGI characters, effects, and extras.

An adventurous romp with interesting characters, I found myself comparing it a bit to Tarzan.  Burroughs definitely writes a type, and Disney didn't shy away from it, keeping Taylor in skimpy outfits. It's a shame this movie didn't get more attention than it did, as its a fine film.  In addition to the "fish out of water" elements, there were overtones of natives vs. settlers conflicts, and inter-city politics requiring arranged marriages.  Sprinkle on a bit of aerial battles and devious dealings, and you've got an adventure tale that has something for the entire family.  

I really don't want to spoil it for you.  It was nice to go into a book to film that I hadn't read, so I could be completely surprised.

Five laugh out loud moments that I counted (there were probably many more) including an alien's obvious interpretation of an offered hand shake.  Not a lot of Oh Shit moments.  Most events were pretty well telegraphed and unsurprising.

Despite being predictable, I would watch this again when I'm in the mood.  It might pair well with Brendan Fraser's The Mummy as a double feature.  They have a similar overall feel.

Saturday, March 8, 2025

The Blackening (2022) R

 The Blackening (2022) R

The Blackening [4K UHD] 

Grace Byers (Bent), Dewayne Perkins (Sausage Party), Sinqua Walls (Mending the Line)

Seven friends reunite to go to a vacay rental remote cabin in the woods for a weekend of drinking, games, and debauchery to celebrate Juneteenth.  While there they discover a mysterious game called "The Blackening".

 Ok I will admit... I'm from Minnesota and whiter than white.  Persons of color are not common where I live.  So I am probably super ignorant of the subtleties of racism in society today.  But I will say this about this movie... it made me look up the history of Juneteenth.  It's far older than I knew, and the trivia in the board game is stuff that everyone should know.

This is a quality slasher film.  It immediately shows you the stakes are high when the couple who arrive first find the board game in a basement room and die. As the rest of the friend group, separated by jobs and life for a decade, start to arrive we learn the histories and hot gossip.  

There is a scene where one of the guys makes their nostalgic concoction of straight vodka and kool-aid mix that made me laugh, because in my twenties I myself "invented" a blended drink with vodka and lemonade mix that's probably similar.  Drunk college students are universal.

One of the women goes exploring this enormous, sprawling house that almost seems bigger on the inside and finds the basement game room.  They find "The Blackening", a racist game apparently from the 1940's where players are invited to prove who amongst them is "the blackest" with a series of cards containing black history trivia.  As the group gathers around it, the killer springs their trap, telling them they must play, or die... like their friends.

What follows is a kill fest worthy of any slasher film.  Betrayal, secrets, hidden love affairs, and a twist.  Stupid decisions to split up.  Comedic moments. It's all there. 

I enjoyed this movie a lot, and while there were callbacks to several films, including Saw and Cabin in the Woods, it has its own unique tale that could become an enduring franchise without running out of material.

There was one "oh shit" moment, and about ten laugh out loud moments (I found the "mindtalking" sequence especially funny) including an appearance by Dietrich Bader (Drew Carey Show) as "Ranger White".  Not an exceptional amount of gore, but it doesn't shy away from it either.  I would watch this again. Four out of five bloody tokens.

Saturday, March 1, 2025

You Might Be the Killer (2019) NR

 You Might Be the Killer (2019) NR

You Might Be The Killer

Sam's (Fran Kranz, Dollhouse, Blood Sucking Bastards) family-owned summer campground, Camp Clear Vista, is set to reopen for the season, but his camp counselors start dying off one by one in a series of grisly murders.  He turns to his friend Chuck (Alyson Hannigan, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, American Pie) for help, but her unfortunate conclusion is that he might be the killer.

Having been a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Dollhouse, the instant I found out about this film, viewing it was a no-brainer.  It did not disappoint. 

A typical slasher film with a twist, it starts off mid-event, where we see Sam running through the woods for his life.  He stops at a cabin and barricades the door, fumbling with his cell phone to call for help.  Being covered in blood, facial recognition gives him a hard time at first, but eventually it's unlocked and he calls... Chuck, his life-long friend.  She works at a movie, comic, and gaming shop, and has an extensive knowledge of horror movies.  She even asks "Why didn't you call the police?".  Apparently the camp is so isolated and in a quiet area, the sheriff goes to bed at 10pm, and it'd take him a half hour to get there anyway.

As a small-town resident myself, I can relate.  They roll up the sidewalks at 9pm.

The movie then continues as most do with an introduction to the cast of characters that will become cannon fodder for the slasher's blade.  But here's where it gets weird... the movie is told from Sam's point of view, and like most unreliable narrators, he jumps around in time, moving from topic to topic.  Chuck interrupts him with questions, he forgets to mention stuff, etc.  Who can blame him?  He may be one of the last left alive.

Let's just say the timeline gets confusing.  I had to watch it three times, once with commentary, to get the kill order right.  I'm still not sure that I did.  They do use the number of dead counselors to help clue you in as to where you are in the series of events, and sometimes they'll rehash a kill to remind you of who they're talking about.  This may frustrate some viewers, but I thought it was slightly clever, if a strange choice.

As for the killer's identity and motivation, I'll let you find that out for yourself.  Let's just say there's a cursed object, and shenanigans.

At the end of the film, it was a satisfying viewing experience, and I will definitely watch it again in the future. The ending clearly set us up for a sequel, and I certainly hope that comes about, because this was a fun romp with a great cast.

As for how this works for viewing while crafting, I'll let you be the judge.  If you care about keeping the kill order straight, this movie might be too convoluted to watch while you craft.  If you just want blood and guts on a Saturday afternoon while you knit, then it's definitely a good pick.  Two needle dropping moments, two "oh shit!" moments, and no pesky number spouting sequences to throw off your counts.  I give this a four out of five, mostly losing one for the bouncy timeline.  But Fran and Alyson make it a great watch anyway.