Heart Eyes (2025) R

 Heart Eyes (2025) R

 

A sinister killer is killing couples across the country on Valentine's Day... Boston, Philadelphia, and now Seattle. Advertising executive Ally (Olivia Holt, Totally Killer) and the new guy who wants to take her job, Jay Simmonds (Mason Gooding, Fall) find themselves in the killer's crosshairs after a Valentine's Day work dinner where she ran into her ex and asked Jay to play along as her boyfriend.  Can they survive this slasher's rampage of terror?

 This movie tries to be two things at once... a romantic comedy, and a slasher film.  In doing so, it's a watered down version of either.  There is probably a way to make the two genres mesh, but this movie did not deliver.  The romance was too cutesy and over the top, and the slasher portion suffered from its frequent intrusion. 

It's very hard to take either half seriously when the best friend literally chains together the titles of what must be 20 different romance movies at the end, passing it off as conversation.  I'm sure the writer thought they were very clever, but it just highlighted how jarring aspects of this movie were shoehorned together.

Despite two eyeroll moments, there were three laugh out loud moments, including a wayward vibrator that Ally tried to hide.  I did end up scrolling my phone somewhere in the middle while they were at the police station, but it picked up again in a little bit.

The "twist" is predictable.  The kills are actually inventive and fun, but they immediately have their impact lessened by Ally and Jay making goo goo eyes at each other and spouting goofball dialogue.  I'd watch it again, but only on Valentine's Day to highlight my aggravation at the holiday.  Three out of five bloody reusable straws.  It's worth a watch, but I wouldn't pay too much for it.

 

John Carter (2012) PG-13

John Carter (2012) PG-13

 

 Civil War vet John Carter (Taylor Kitsch, Big Bang Club) is mysteriously transported to Mars, where he discovers a strange landscape full of unusual, four-armed inhabitants. Finding himself a prisoner of these creatures, he escapes, only to encounter the beautiful Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins, The Merchant of Venice), who needs his help.

This Disney movie based on the Edgar Rice Burroughs novella "A Princess of Mars" is counted as one of the most expensive movies of its time, with a budget of 306.6 million dollars. No doubt this is due to large crowds of CGI characters, effects, and extras.

An adventurous romp with interesting characters, I found myself comparing it a bit to Tarzan.  Burroughs definitely writes a type, and Disney didn't shy away from it, keeping Taylor in skimpy outfits. It's a shame this movie didn't get more attention than it did, as its a fine film.  In addition to the "fish out of water" elements, there were overtones of natives vs. settlers conflicts, and inter-city politics requiring arranged marriages.  Sprinkle on a bit of aerial battles and devious dealings, and you've got an adventure tale that has something for the entire family.  

I really don't want to spoil it for you.  It was nice to go into a book to film that I hadn't read, so I could be completely surprised.

Five laugh out loud moments that I counted (there were probably many more) including an alien's obvious interpretation of an offered hand shake.  Not a lot of Oh Shit moments.  Most events were pretty well telegraphed and unsurprising.

Despite being predictable, I would watch this again when I'm in the mood.  It might pair well with Brendan Fraser's The Mummy as a double feature.  They have a similar overall feel.

The Blackening (2022) R

 The Blackening (2022) R

 

Grace Byers (Bent), Dewayne Perkins (Sausage Party), Sinqua Walls (Mending the Line)

Seven friends reunite to go to a vacay rental remote cabin in the woods for a weekend of drinking, games, and debauchery to celebrate Juneteenth.  While there they discover a mysterious game called "The Blackening".

 Ok I will admit... I'm from Minnesota and whiter than white.  Persons of color are not common where I live.  So I am probably super ignorant of the subtleties of racism in society today.  But I will say this about this movie... it made me look up the history of Juneteenth.  It's far older than I knew, and the trivia in the board game is stuff that everyone should know.

This is a quality slasher film.  It immediately shows you the stakes are high when the couple who arrive first find the board game in a basement room and die. As the rest of the friend group, separated by jobs and life for a decade, start to arrive we learn the histories and hot gossip.  

There is a scene where one of the guys makes their nostalgic concoction of straight vodka and kool-aid mix that made me laugh, because in my twenties I myself "invented" a blended drink with vodka and lemonade mix that's probably similar.  Drunk college students are universal.

One of the women goes exploring this enormous, sprawling house that almost seems bigger on the inside and finds the basement game room.  They find "The Blackening", a racist game apparently from the 1940's where players are invited to prove who amongst them is "the blackest" with a series of cards containing black history trivia.  As the group gathers around it, the killer springs their trap, telling them they must play, or die... like their friends.

What follows is a kill fest worthy of any slasher film.  Betrayal, secrets, hidden love affairs, and a twist.  Stupid decisions to split up.  Comedic moments. It's all there. 

I enjoyed this movie a lot, and while there were callbacks to several films, including Saw and Cabin in the Woods, it has its own unique tale that could become an enduring franchise without running out of material.

There was one "oh shit" moment, and about ten laugh out loud moments (I found the "mindtalking" sequence especially funny) including an appearance by Dietrich Bader (Drew Carey Show) as "Ranger White".  Not an exceptional amount of gore, but it doesn't shy away from it either.  I would watch this again. Four out of five bloody tokens.

You Might Be the Killer (2019) NR

 You Might Be the Killer (2019) NR

Sam's (Fran Kranz, Dollhouse, Blood Sucking Bastards) family-owned summer campground, Camp Clear Vista, is set to reopen for the season, but his camp counselors start dying off one by one in a series of grisly murders.  He turns to his friend Chuck (Alyson Hannigan, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, American Pie) for help, but her unfortunate conclusion is that he might be the killer.

Having been a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Dollhouse, the instant I found out about this film, viewing it was a no-brainer.  It did not disappoint. 

A typical slasher film with a twist, it starts off mid-event, where we see Sam running through the woods for his life.  He stops at a cabin and barricades the door, fumbling with his cell phone to call for help.  Being covered in blood, facial recognition gives him a hard time at first, but eventually it's unlocked and he calls... Chuck, his life-long friend.  She works at a movie, comic, and gaming shop, and has an extensive knowledge of horror movies.  She even asks "Why didn't you call the police?".  Apparently the camp is so isolated and in a quiet area, the sheriff goes to bed at 10pm, and it'd take him a half hour to get there anyway.

As a small-town resident myself, I can relate.  They roll up the sidewalks at 9pm.

The movie then continues as most do with an introduction to the cast of characters that will become cannon fodder for the slasher's blade.  But here's where it gets weird... the movie is told from Sam's point of view, and like most unreliable narrators, he jumps around in time, moving from topic to topic.  Chuck interrupts him with questions, he forgets to mention stuff, etc.  Who can blame him?  He may be one of the last left alive.

Let's just say the timeline gets confusing.  I had to watch it three times, once with commentary, to get the kill order right.  I'm still not sure that I did.  They do use the number of dead counselors to help clue you in as to where you are in the series of events, and sometimes they'll rehash a kill to remind you of who they're talking about.  This may frustrate some viewers, but I thought it was slightly clever, if a strange choice.

As for the killer's identity and motivation, I'll let you find that out for yourself.  Let's just say there's a cursed object, and shenanigans.

At the end of the film, it was a satisfying viewing experience, and I will definitely watch it again in the future. The ending clearly set us up for a sequel, and I certainly hope that comes about, because this was a fun romp with a great cast.

As for how this works for viewing while crafting, I'll let you be the judge.  If you care about keeping the kill order straight, this movie might be too convoluted to watch while you craft.  If you just want blood and guts on a Saturday afternoon while you knit, then it's definitely a good pick.  Two needle dropping moments, two "oh shit!" moments, and no pesky number spouting sequences to throw off your counts.  I give this a four out of five, mostly losing one for the bouncy timeline.  But Fran and Alyson make it a great watch anyway.

 

The Gorge (2025) PG-13

 The Gorge (2025) PG-13

 Two world-class snipers, Drasa (Anya Taylor-Joy) and Levi Cane (Miles Teller) must work together to protect the world from the evil in a remote gorge.

 Assigned by The Employer (Sigourney Weaver) to a one-year solo assignment in a remote guard tower, Levi accepts because he feels he has nothing and no-one to live for.  He didn't realize his counterpart from Eastern Europe would change all that.

Mild spoilers follow.

Surprisingly romantic for a movie about guarding the mouth of hell, this Apple Television original movie also delivered on plenty of action.  A perfect watch on Valentine's Day.  It starts like a Jason Bourne type spy thriller, but slowly morphs into romance, intrigue, and monster filled horror.

Our heroes sit alone in two watch towers over a deep gorge.  Every night, strange beasts called "Hollow Men" after the poem, try to scale the sheer rock face.  Through a series of foolish choices, they end up at the bottom of the crevasse fighting for their lives.

The creatures are suitably creepy.  You could not pay me enough to slither through a tunnel of their dozing bodies.  When they discover the true origins of the nightmare they find themselves in, they hatch a plan to end the menace that threatens the entire planet.

"You bury enough secrets, the graveyard runs out of room." 

Two needle-drop moments, four "oh shit" moments, and one series of numbers that will screw up your stitch counts when they talk about their longest yardage for a kill shot.  Overall, I was very glad my partner mentioned watching this, because it was excellent.  Four out of five stars, one star removed mostly because their cutesy banter via notes and binoculars was a little too adorable considering the situation.  But if you have Prime or Apple+, you should give it a try.

Synchronic (2020) PG-13

 Synchronic (2020) PG-13

Steve (Anthony Mackie) and Dennis (Jamie Dornan), two paramedics and best friends, think they've seen it all while making the rounds in their ambulance.  They had no idea how personal, and strange, it could get.

On the surface, this movie is about designer drugs; people skirting the law on a technicality to get high.  It ends in terrible consequences.  The fact that the writers took this to an almost absurd extreme doesn't change that.  Dig deeper though, and this movie is about connection, and sacrifice for your chosen "family".

Semi-spoilers ahead.

I will warn you, there is a scene where a dog doesn't exactly die, but is lost.  I could feel it coming, and blubbered like a baby when it finally happened.  If this is something that will affect your enjoyment of this film, you've been warned.

Ultimately, this is a time travel film.  A new designer drug, Synchronic, disconnects the user from linear time for seven minutes.  What time you travel to depends on precise geographical location when the drug kicks in.  The paramedics are just cleaning up the aftermath without thinking too much about it until Dennis' teenage daughter, Brianna (Ally Ioannides) disappears from a friend's roof.

Steve slowly starts to pick up on the drug's strange effects, and having received a terrible diagnosis from his doctor, feels he has nothing to lose by experimenting with the pharmaceutical in an attempt to track down and rescue his friend's daughter.

There are some side stories that add a little flavor, such as the story of the chemist who created the drug, and the effects Brianna's disappearance has on Dennis' marriage, but neither were as important as Dennis' story of he and Steve taking a call during hurricane Katrina, and Steve coming upon the scene of his parents' and little sister's coffins displaced by storm waters.  You see flashes of it throughout the film, but it isn't explained until near the end.  The story illustrates Steve's character in a way that builds on why he makes his choices in the end.

The movie itself is sometimes non-linear.  Flashbacks are not always precisely "marked" as such so that you recognize them immediately.  Dennis especially is affected by this, when he encounters places and objects that remind him of his missing child.  It lends to the surreal quality of the film which I enjoyed.

Since I am a survivor of Hurricane Katrina, and have had a terrible medical diagnosis of my own, this movie hit me very hard.  I'm not sure I would have reacted as strongly to the emotional beats if I had been someone else. 

 Yet even with all that, the ending was unsatisfying and a bit of an eye-roll inducer.  It felt like the movie's "rules" weren't adhered to, making the ending ultimately fall flat. 

I didn't knit a project during this film, as I was pressed for time and didn't want to spend the beginning distracted by setting up a new project.  There was one "holy crap" moment, and a few spots where spoken numbers could screw up project counts, but overall this would be an excellent movie to watch while making or crafting.

Ultimately, if you're a fan of the time travel genre, this is a decent entry.  It is not a light-hearted film though, and deals with some heavy subjects.  It's thought provoking, and has some very striking visuals.  I recommend it, but be prepared to feel introspective and sad when it's done.  Four out of Five stars. 

Arcadian (2024) NR

 Arcadian (2024) NR 

 

A single father (Nicholas Cage) raises his twin sons (Jaeden Martell, Maxwell Jenkins) in a post-apocalyptic world invaded by non-sentient aliens.

Recent events have gotten me back into movie watching mode, and what better genre to start with than horror?  Everyone loves a good alien invasion flick, but somehow this one managed to disappoint.  Semi-spoilers ahead.

The creatures were original in a way, kind of a cross between a duck, snapping turtle, and great ape.  They were disturbing, especially while consuming their prey, but unfortunately there wasn't enough tension built up around the creatures, as most of the focus seemed to be on the twin boys' coming of age story in a apocalyptic future.  Nicholas Cage, while being the focus of all the promotional materials, is largely absent for 80% of the flick.  I felt sorry for the brother who had to spend the night alone in a barricaded house just because his brother was horny for the girl next door.

Instead of treating the aliens as a villain to be conquered, the main problem the brothers had was their relationship with their father and each other, and that could have been handled in a more satisfying way as well.  Instead we're treated to a maudlin, not very emotionally convincing funeral and childish bickering.  The ending was sadly flat and neither hopeful, nor bleak.  Just bland.

Using my old metrics, there were two "oh shit" moments in the film, one with flying bugs, and one with a slip and fall with terrible consequences.  Two spots had counting in them that could throw a knitter or crocheter off their stride, involving the countdown for "ten second end of the world" otherwise not much to trip you up there.

My project was a pair of toe up, worsted weight socks that is very close to completion.

Overall, if you just want noise in the background and are running low on new things to watch, it will help you pass the time.  But I wouldn't go looking for something deep or moving within it.